Teaching your Autistic child to be polite

Table of Contents

Good Morning, Afternoon or Evening.

My fellow parents, researchers and/or caregivers of Autistic people and in particular Autistic children/teenagers.

This post will be giving some insight as to how we can try to teach our children or young adults to be polite and nice.

I do not mean that Autistic children are not polite and respectful or nice. NO!

Nor am I trying to imply that we are inherently rude and have no manners.

First of all, I think all children need to be taught manners and clean social skills.

Because we have ended up in a society where almost everyone is rude and selfish.

They want what they want and they will get it at everyone elses’ expensive.

Without a second thought as to who their decision would impact negatively.

We have a whole ‘woke’ culture now and are much more aware of our own mental health.

AND we are a lot more tolerant of others who are going through mental health issues.

The judgement of Autistic/people on the spectrum and anyone with ADHD, ADD etc has reduced significantly.

There is much more general and wider acceptance around the world.

We even have many more groups who have come along in recent years which offer a good amount of support for anyone who fall into these categories.

However, our mental health, needs and wants should not trump over another person.

Because when everybody thinks this way, we destroy our community, our friendships and our relationships as well as making us arrogant.

We are not more important than the next person.

That is the truth.

Yes of course you must put yourself first.

Stand up for yourself.

Hold your ground.

Do not allow anyone to take advantage of you!

In no way am I telling you to put everyone else before you and I am not telling you to be a floor mat.

I am telling you to teach your child to hold their own without having to destroy someone in the process, whether emotionally, physically or mentally, then obviously that is the best way to go.

But also, sometimes you must be in some situations that you are not too happy with and you must be able to deal with it and take it in stride.

Because this is life. And not everything will be catered to the Autistic person.

You must teach them the life skills to deal with it. And to handle it well.

Not break down or shut down.

The problem is, we have not necessarily been taught the skills that are needed to take another route.

Having Autism myself, I get it.

We prefer to be blunt.

Honest.

And straight forward.

Sometimes in the process of this, we might hurt someone elses feeling and possibly not even be aware of it.

But having said this.

I also think Autistic people are sometimes given a free pass to be as rude as possible under the umbrella of Autism and with the excuse of having Autism.

And I have known Autistic people to use this as an excuse.

Autism does not give you an excuse to be inconsiderate.

We can absolute teach ourselves how to be polite and how to be respectful.

Research

I am an Autistic mother so I have my life experiences to fall back on.

As well as this, my Autistic child who was diagnosed almost 3 years ago has regular therapies and specialist appointments.

I firmly believe in early intervention when it comes to Autism.

My child has been having therapy 3 times a week from the time of their diagnosis.

These therapies include:

Speech and Language Therapy,
Pivotal Response Treatment Therapy
Social Therapy
Behavioural Therapy

All of these therapies include how to communicate with others.

Of course within this, comes manners.

I have also done a lot of research about teaching manners and politness to my Autistic child in my home that they can apply both at home and outside the home.

A favourite book of mine is called, ‘Between Parent and Child‘ by Dr. Haim Ginott.

This book is NOT desgined for Autistic children, however I have found that my Autistic child receives it well and responds to the training that is recommended by the book.

I also have a non Autistic child who as well responds really well to the training that the book recommends.

It is worth noting that, all the research I have done so far starts with the parents/caregivers.

The questions you must ask yourself is:

Am I polite?
Do I have good manners?
Am I respectful?
Do I have patience?

It all starts with you and how you treat your child and how you treat other around you in front of your child.

I have a post of several issues which can also be placed into the category of teaching/learning good manners.

You can read those posts through these links:

So lets get started!

Teach Politeness with POLITENESS

There is no doubt about the fact that some children are born respectful and kind.

However these are social skills and often something that does not come natural to Autistic children.

The good thing is that these things can also be taught.

And that anyone with Autism can learn.

The reason why I have included some posts above about how parents can control themselves and how they can better themselves is because we know that Autistic children especially, learn social cues from copying others.

That means that, if an Autistic child is consistently in a bad or negative environment, they will become the same.

The words that are used around them are words that they will themselves use against or towards others.

Autistic children’s parents are their safe space. It is where they learn and it is where their home is.

They will take more from you than from anywhere else, and from anyone else.

Dr Haim Ginott, makes a statement that some parents try to teach their children to be polite, but in a way that they themselves become rude to the child.

So they try to teach their children to be kind and respecful in a way that they themselves become rude and snappy while making it clear that their child has annoyed them.

Your child will not take those words of you telling them to be polite.

Instead they will also be rude and snappy when dealing with other people who have annoyed them.

So within your household, use the words “Please” and “Thank you” when you speak to your child.

Do not correct/critisize their mistakes in front of others

This is a huge fault that a lot of parents are guilty of doing.

And we do not do it with bad intentions either.

Sometimes, it is because we want to prove to others that our child is in fact not rude and that we have taught them manners at home.

We begin to say things, “Don’t be rude”, or “That’s a rude thing to say” etc

But the effect this can have on someone’s self esteem, especially is they are more of the sensitive type is detrimental.

They might not want to go to social settings with you for fear that you will embarass them over their misgivings.

Or they might become even more of a reclusive for fear of making mistakes and being made to be embarassed over it.

Common examples of this kind of situation are:

When we rudely ask our children to say goodbye to someone as they are leaving or you youselves are leaving.
Or when we snap at them to say thank you when someone gives them something.
And finally, being rude and snappy at them when they interrupt you in the middle of your conversations.

All of these things are very common for Autistic children to forget. Especially when they are super focussed on something else, or they are in the middle of something and become too excited to contain themselves.

We know, once their mind is set on something, it is like an ‘itch’ inside their head which needs to be scratched.

It cannot be left alone!

The better way and more proper way to deal with these situations is to set the example first.

So you walk the guests to the door and give your goodbyes.

Ask your child to join you in a nice calm manner.

Or YOU as the parent should first thank the individual who brought your child a gift, and possibly and most likely, your child will natually follow up with a thank you of their own.

And finally, when our children interrupt in the middle of our conversations with others it is usually because they are very excited about something and want to share it with you because they love you.

Or they feel as though you are paying more attention to someone else than you are to them. Which is okay to happen sometimes.

But we know our children love our attention and so we cannot scold them for this.

The simple solution would just be to let them know that you would like to finish your conversation that was started.

Do not label them as rude

I have written extensively about this before.

Children will live up to the labels you give them.

Once you have put it in their mind that they are a rude child.

Whether you call them as such in private or in public.

They will believe it about themselves AND behave accordingly.

Do not give them negative labels.

Because to the child, in their mind it will translate to you not liking them. Which will make them think that there is no point to changing your mind.

And it is easier to agree with mommy and daddy than to try to prove them wrong.

Children see their parents as having ultimate knowledge. Especially young children.

And so will take your evaluation of them as fact. Even in your moments where you lose control and get angry.

So please parents. Be careful how you speak to and label your children.

Childrens feelings translate into their words and actions.

So instead of getting angry at their reaction, ask them why they felt like they need to speak a certain way or do a certain thing and what led them to feel the need to say that in the first place.

Address their feelings and try to make them understand that it is okay to feel negatively towards some people. But we must always try to be respectful as much as we can when we speak to them

An example of this is when you receive guests that your child may not like or do not feel like interacting with at that time.

I have a story to tell about this.

A very good friend of mine has a child, who when has guests over, will bluntly ask them to leave.

Or will tell their mother that the guests must go back home because he does not like them. IN FRONT of the guests themselves.

Autistic children can be very blunt and confrontational without meaning to be. It is just that they feel very strongly about something and do not know the social protocol to take.

LET YOUR CHILD KNOW WHAT IS EXPECTED OF THEM.

A way to try to combat your child becoming rude to your guests or to others is to let your child know beforehand and in advance that you will be receiving guests today. And tell your child who is coming.

Ask your child how they feel about this and why.

IF the reaction is negative, it is fine. Your child is speaking to you about the way they feel.

A child can have a much better attitude if they understand how you want them to behave/what to say in front of company.

Give them topics to avoid and tell them why you want them to avoid those topics.

Autistic children like to be prepared for what is coming. So try to give them as detailed an account as you can about what might happen or what the situation will be like.

Let them know that you understand and respect how they feel.

But that your child must also respect you and the company you chose to have over.

Also, you know your child better than anyone else.

You can somewhat predict how they will respond or what they will say.

Let them know what is NOT okay to say but say it to them in a manner of respect.

Like a little pep talk.

Allow others to ‘discipline’ your child also

Some parents have serious issues with other parents setting boundaries with their kids.

I mean seriously. It is not such a big deal.

Keep in mind the phrase, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’.

YUP.

When you are a guest in another persons home or you are in someone elses personal space, let the host know that they are free to insert boundaries within their home and around your child.

It is good for children to know and understand that other people also have rules and there are different rules in different places.

Also, it is good to respect boundaries that people set.

In the book ‘Between Parent and Child‘, Dr. Haim speaks about child psychology.

He states that children from a very early age become aware that we are less likely to discipline them when we are outside the home.

And mostly, they understand that they can get away with things when they are visiting someone elses home because we do not want to discipline in front of others in order to avoid embarassing our child or ‘damper’ the atmosphere.

So when our child begins to jump on someone elses bed or sofa, and the host does not allow this kind of behaviour. We must let them know that this is not allowed and if they continue to do it then the host must also discipline them by telling them that it is not allowed.

As long as it is done in a factual manner, your childs’ self esteem will not be lowered.

So for example, “You are not allowed to jump on the bed because last time you fell really hard and your tooth fell out!”

(Yes this actually happened and it is a real scenario)

My children tend to immediately stop jumping on the bed as room as I remind them what could possibly happen.

I am explaining the rule and why it is in place as a matter of fact.

I am not accusing or being sarcastic, such as saying “Do you want to lose another tooth, huh?”

Sarcasm will destoy a child. Especially because Autistic children do not and will not understand sarcasm.

It is just cruel to use sarcasm on an Autistic child.

Treat your child as a human and with respect. Not as an extension of you!

Never be embarassed of your child.

Do not constantly apologise for their behaviour.

And also do not tell them that they will make you look bad.

A child should not have to have that burden on their shoulders.

Because they will begin to feel like property, and in the proceess they will lose their individuality.

If they feel very strongly about not wanting to receive company, let them know that they can come out for the greetings and make some excuse about homework, or not feeling well or being very tired.

They can then retreat to their room for their alone time and peace and quiet.

Let them know that they should also show their face when the guests leave to say goodbye.

You should never force your child to do something that they absolutely do not want to do.

Especially for an Autistic child. Because this can leave them vulnerable for abuse in the future.

If they think staying in situations that they hate or being around people that make them uncomfortable is what they must do because that is the social etiquette then it could cause them serious harm in the future.

Especialy if you are not around to protect or guide them.

So be weary of this.

Often we are so worried about being rude that we do not stop and think what or how this can affect our children as they grow up.

Do not Threaten or Bribe your child

When you tell your child that you will reward them if they show good behaviour, it can be dangerous.

Or if you tell them to stop doing something naughty and in turn you will buy them something.

Ohh boy.

DO NOT do this.

Your child will begin to purposefully misbehave. In order to get a treat.

What you are teaching your child is that if they misbehave, and you call them out on it and then they stop. They will get a reward.

So it is essentially rewarding bad behaviour.

You child will purposefully act out.

And once it becomes a habit, the bad behaviours will get worse and worse.

When you threaten or bribe your child to be polite, you are letting them know that you do not think that they can do it.

You lack faith in them.

Autistic children are more than capable of learning self control and social manners.

And I have met several Autistic people who use it as an excuse even to be rude.

I have even met non Autistic people who call it ‘being real’. Or they say things like “I am just an honest person”.

People like to excuse their lack of social manners because they have no consideration towards others around them.

And that is not Okay.

Autism is not an excuse to be rude and insulting.

You stating your opinion on what or how you find the character of someone else is not necessary.

Some things are better not being voiced out loud.

Polite people are much more pleasant to be around.

And are more likely to keep good company and have other pleasant people around them.

I truly believe it all starts from the home.

How you are, is how your child becomes.

The way you speak about others and also to others in conversation.

WILL be how your child will do it too.