How I Handle Arguments as an Autistic Adult (and What’s Helped Me)
Hi there, fellow humans navigating life!
As an autistic adult and mother of two boys – one autistic, one typical (very typical, and yes, that is not up for debate) – I have had my fair share of experience dealing with arguments.
Add to that my relationship with my neurotypical husband (his “typical” status is still under review some days), and let us just say conflict resolution is a constant learning curve.
If you wish to read my other post on how to handle getting married as an autistic adult click here..
If you are an autistic adult like me, you will know that handling arguments can feel like walking into a storm you did not see coming.
Things such as:
- Loud voices,
- Fast-paced emotions, and a
- Flood of thoughts all colliding at once.
Once it hits, it is very overwhelming. Most of the time, I only realize there is a problem when someone raises their voice.
So, how do I handle arguments as an autistic adult – in a way that is healthy, productive, and does not leave me feeling completely drained?
Let me share what I have learned through experience (and a lot of trial and error).
Why Arguments Feel Different for Us
Arguments as an autistic adult are often rooted in miscommunication. Neurotypicals tend to understand and respond to social cues that we might miss or interpret differently.
Add emotions into the mix, and things can escalate fast.
For me, as an autistic adult, arguments with family or close loved ones are the hardest because they matter the most.
I am willing to forgive and work through things with them.
Friends, however, are a different story. If a friend shows consistent disrespect or takes advantage of me, I do not argue – I quietly cut ties. Block, delete, move on.
Because, in my opinion – Life is too short.
I have very few friends, but the ones that I do have, I feel are worth holding on to.
Those friendships have lasted at least 10 years each.
Of course, being married to someone who is not on the spectrum also means that our fights can stem from miscommunication.
Usually, it is the same with my other family members. Miscommunication or misunderstandings.
And that is because, when you truly are in the same space constantly with another person then it is unreasonable to expect not to argue or to fight.
People are individuals and spending a significant amount of time around each other means clashes WILL happen.
Mind you, I mean verbal fights. NOT physical fights. Those are never Okay.
How Arguments Impact Me
Arguments do not just leave me frustrated – they leave me feeling like a child again, overwhelmed and unable to process everything at once.
My usual reaction? I go quiet. I retreat into my thoughts, replaying the argument in my head until I’m ready to engage again.
If this sounds familiar, do not worry – you are not alone. Being an autistic adult means we may need extra time to process emotions and organize our thoughts.
That is okay!
This is a really good book to read, also on how to manage uncomfortable stimulations, ‘Autism: 25 Ways to Manage Sensory Disorders, Special Needs, ADHD/ADD, ASD, and Asperger’s Syndrome’
8 Steps I Use to Handle Arguments
Here is the system I use to navigate arguments. It is not perfect, but it works for me.
1. Breathe
This sounds basic, but it is so important.
When emotions are high, I often forget to breathe properly. For some unknown reason, autistic adults, like myself and my autistic child included like to hold our breaths.
Holding my breath (a weird habit of mine) only makes things worse – cue headaches, anxiety, or even panic attacks.
If you notice yourself holding your breath, pause and take deep, slow breaths. It’s amazing how much clarity comes from just giving your brain some oxygen.
2. Practice Self Control
Nobody benefits from raised voices. Or aggressive reactions.
I am naturally not an aggressive person at all so I tend to go quiet. I don’t know if this is the best tactic to use but it is who I am.
If the person I am arguing with is being irrational, I shut down.
I do not yell or engage in heated back and forth.
Instead, I stay quiet and let them tire themselves out.
I’ve also learned not to defend myself unnecessarily. If I have done nothing wrong, I remind myself not to internalize their frustration.
After an argument, I take my time to reflect on everything. And if I am in the wrong? I own it – no excuses. And I make sure to apologise.
3. Respect Yourself
Respect yourself enough to stay composed. That means no yelling, name-calling, or (heaven forbid) breaking things. And please, no self harm.
You are better than that.
As an autistic adult, we sometimes struggle to express emotions healthily.
But self harm is never the answer. If you feel overwhelmed, step away, breathe, and remind yourself that you deserve kindness – even from yourself.
In my experience, introverts tend to do much more self harm than any other category of people.
And those of us who are on the spectrum already struggle mentally and with expressing ourselves. Please DO NOT make this a type of self expression.
It is not! Hurting yourself will get you nowhere!
4. Take a Time-Out
Once the argument is over, take time to decompress. Give yourself some time to get over it and calm down.
Let the emotions rest a little bit for both you and the person who you were having trouble with.
Sleep on it if you must.
Sleep can also work wonders. I often wake up the next day feeling calmer and more equipped to see the situation clearly.
For me, taking a time out means physical separation and some quiet time alone. Whether it is an hour or an entire evening, I give myself space to process what just happened.
As an Autistic adult, we can become quite reclusive within ourselves and avoid human contact. Especially if we are overwhelmed!
Which I think becomes almost every Autistic adult and child, after they have had a confrontation.
Taking some time out for yourself is always the best solution to calm down.
5. Analyse the Argument
Once I am calm, I reflect on what happened:
- What is going on?
- How can we prevent this from happening again?
- What led to this happening in the first place?
- How can you fix the situation?
The problem with society now a days is that we tend to look at the faults of others too much without looking at our own.
Everything is all about what others owe you and how others can benefit you.
Think about it in the way of what can you give to someone else. How can you benefit others and be good for others.
Do YOU owe anything to anyone?
Autistic adults in general, including myself and also my autistic child struggle to see things from others points of view. Because autistic adults and even autistic children have a very Black and White view of the world and of how things work. THIS IS NOT THE NORM.
Try to see the things from the others point of view. Look at it from their side.
This kind of analysis helps me identify patterns like recurring miscommunications and address them proactively.
6. Ask Questions
Ask about whatever happened. If you can have the other person also calmed down. Have a proper discussion on what went wrong.
And try to understand and pay attention to what they are telling you.
It is the way we learn. We do not learn by just waiting for our turn to talk!
Once emotions have settled, I approach the other person for a calm discussion.
I ask questions to understand their perspective and ensure I am not making assumptions about their feelings.
See how you can avoid this in the future and come to some sort of agreement!
7. Apologize (If Necessary)
I do not think anyone can be completely innocent and have no fault.
Usually when there is an accident or a fight or an argument – at least 2 people are at fault.
That includes ME!
Once you know exactly what it was that hurt the other person or what it was that you said or did. EVEN if you did not think it would be a big deal at all. Apologise for it!
If the argument was your fault. Own up to it and apologise.
You know, sometimes Autistic adults can see seen as being selfish, self centered or arrogant.
We are none of those things. Autistic adults like myself just struggle to see things from other peoples perspectives and we tend to look at everything as either being Black or White.
However, if the argument was not your fault. And it was the fault of the other person. Ask for an apology.
If you do not get one. Then it is clear that they do not respect you as much as you would like.
If someone refuses to apologize, it tells me a lot about how much they value our relationship.
8. Forgive, But Be Mindful
Nothing good comes from holding grudges!
If you truly love/care about the person who you have had a tiff with, then in order for you to move on you MUST, at least to some degree – forgive.
And if you want to keep the person in your life then it is definitely important to forgive.
Forgiving means that you allow them back into your life and allow them to be with you in an open emotional way.
HOWEVER,
Be weary when it comes to forgetting. As an Autistic adult myself, I know forgetting is not easy.
But I also know that we tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves. And this means that unless we are aware and keep an eye out. We can get screwed over and over again by the same person.
Be mindful of the person who you are with.
However, if you know that they truly care for you and love you then really. LET IT GO.
And do not hold it against them in the future,
Points to Remember
Take your time.
If your time away from the person takes a while, so be it.
Look after yourself and give yourself plenty of time to come to terms with what has happened.
If it is the same person who constantly has arguments with you and makes you feel
- Sad.
- Upset.
- Cry.
- Doubt yourself.
- Make you want to self harm
- Verbally abuses you.
- Physically harms you
- LEAVE.
Then they are really not worth you. I REPEAT.
NOT.
WORTH.
YOU.
Weigh up the good and the bad of being around the person.
Make a positive and negative checklist.
Whatever you have to do to make sure no one is taking advantage of you. DO IT!
When to Walk Away As An Autistic Adult
Not every relationship is worth saving. If someone consistently makes you feel:
- Unsafe
- Disrespected
- Doubtful of yourself
- Sad or anxious
…it might be time to re-evaluate their place in your life. As hard as it is, walking away can sometimes be the healthiest choice.
Sometimes I, as an autistic adult, cannot always recognise true evil or selfish intent. So I try to take my time to carefully choose any person who I allow around me!
Final Thoughts: Autistic adults must ensure Self Care First
Arguments can be exhausting, especially for autistic adults who already process emotions differently. But remember, your well-being matters most.
Take the time you need to recover, reflect, and grow from each experience.
At the end of the day, no one knows your needs better than you.
Advocate for yourself, stay true to your values, and do not let anyone dim your light.
You have got this!
What about you?
If you have found strategies that work for handling arguments, share them in the comments – I would love to learn from your experiences!