Before you come at me about how Autistic children do not misbehave or that they misbehave due to some unknown psychological reason related only to their Autism. I call Bull****.
Children are children and misbehave.
It is in their nature.
Autistic or not.
Background Information
I am not a therapist or a specialist when it comes to Autism.
What I do, is research my ass off.
When my child was diagnosed with Autism, I decided to make it my life mission to try to get them the best help possible.
I wanted my child to grow up socialised and able to navigate through life independently and properly.
That is my goal for all of this. I want my child to hopefully grow into a fully functioning independent adult.
Because of this, right from the beginning I started early intervention with my child.
Now.
I have an Autistic child and a Non Autistic child.
I see them both misbehave and be disruptive sometimes.
The thing is, sometimes Autism can cause certain behaviours to surface in a person that need to be addressed differently.
There is a difference between misbehaving on purpose and having behaviours that surface because of a person being on the spectrum.
For example being so stressed out and knocking over milk due to not being in control vs picking up a glass of milk and tipping it over.
You know your child best.
And as parents we can recognise our children’s behaviours.
Whether that it misbehaving on purpose or being mentally strained which causes certain outlets.
This post is about pureposefully misbehaving children, both Autistic and non Autistic.
I truly believe prevention is the best cure so I will create this post loaded with information about how to try to prevent the bad behaviour from starting.
I do have a post about how to deal with the misbehaviour once it has happened and you can read that here:
“How to DISCIPLINE an Autistic child”
Also, “Behaviour Correction Therapy for Autistic Children‘
And Finally, “3 Steps to Make An Autistic Child Less Aggressive”
Now I have to say. ALL children misbehave.
You will never have a perfect rule following child and to expect this is unreasonable.
Children learn by pushing boundaries.
They learn by testing the limits and seeing what they can get away with.
It is actually a very healthy form of mental development.
However, without the discipline that comes after they have misbehaved, a child will never learn limits.
They will never develop self discipline or an internal feeling of right and wrong.
And it can cause them issues in their future.
A person who has never heard the word “no” or have never experienced limitations in some sort of way is not a human anyone would ever want to communicate with or be around.
These people do not respect boundaries and do not have any knowledge of what healthy communication looks like.
Helpful Information
As part of the early intervention that we do with our child. We do these therapies around 3 times a week:
- Speech and Language Therapy
- Behvaioural Therapy
- Social Therapy
- Pivotal Response Treatment Therapy
This has been ongoing for the roughly the last 2 years. I work with Therapists and Specialists as well as constantly researching ways of teaching and part time homeschooling my Autistic and Non Autistic child.
In addition to this, I have found a book that is absolutely amazing in helping guide discipline within and outside the house.
And also in helping you bond with your children.
It is a complete guide in helping you understand your child, why they do what they do and how to help them grow up in this world successfully.
This book is by Dr. Haim G. Ginott and it is called, “Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication”
Growing up, I struggled with being Autistic and navigating through the world.
I did this alone and with no help.
So, I hope that parents, caretakers and others who read my posts, gather some positive and helpful information from them.
Also, I hope that it helps you understand those on the spectrum who are around you.
My wish is that help and therapy and training becomes available to all who need it.
I understand that sometimes, money is an issue. Especially with how prices have bloody skyrocketed and that people are struggling.
That also translates to how many resources are available.
Being unable to afford help for our loved ones is horrible.
So I am giving you all the information I have and that I possibly can and its all bloody free.
As it should be!
There are things you might do, that can make your child misbehave. And encourage them to to misbehave.
These are:
- Threats
- Bribes
- Sarcasm
- Forcing your child to promise
- Totalitarian Authority
- Bringing up the past
Lets combat these one by one.
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Threats
When you provide your child with an ultimatum combined with a threat.
You are almost guaranteeing the fact that your child will want to do it again.
Children especially, and even some adults see limitations of rules as challenges.
They wil try and try to break the rules.
Push the line further back.
And see how far they can take it and get away with it.
For certain personalities, some children will begin to feel insecure if they do not try to push the boundaries that have been set to them.
Threats do not work.
HOWEVER, teaching your child that their actions have consequences is a different, yet more effective tactic.
Things that are dangerous however, should not be allowed.
Such as hurting others or placing oneself in danger.
Unless there are serious dangers I do not stop my children from doing anything.
If they are not hurting, destroying or in danger. Allow them to do as they please.
Messes can always be cleaned.
Give them that independence without them having to constantly hear “NO”.
If they ask to do something that they like, allow them to do it. Or help them do it.
Unless their agenda has something else on it, you can always let them know that they can do what it is they are asking for another time. Say this without using the word “No”.
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Bribery
When you ask your child to do something, such as their homework or chore. And they say “no” or “later”.
Do not respond with a bribe.
Even if you say, “I am going to the shop, if you behave while I am away I will bring you back a gift”.
They will argue with you to the moon and back about how they considered their behaviour good and how they deserve a present.
Eventually. Your child will ‘train’ you. And play you to the point where they are getting presents all the time or even making sure that their demands are met.
What I mean by this is that your child might begin to purposely not listen to you and do the opposite of what you tell them to do. Until you promise them a reward if they stop misbehaving.
Do not give your child a bribe over something that they should be doing anyway.
If your child is supposed to be completing tasks that they should be regularly doing anyway or carrying out their responsibilities, they do not need to be rewarded for it.
Because the real life does not work that way and as they get older, they and their behaviours will not be catered to by the real world.
-
Sarcastic parents
As an Autistic person.
I. hate. sarcasm.
Sarcasm is asking someone if they are stupid or asking them if they are an idiot after they have pissed you off.
NOT GOOD
Never ever, ever make your child feel less than. Especially in front of others and even more so, in front of their friends. This is absolutely the worst way you can destroy your child from the inside out.
Never scold or verbally attack your child’s personality, character or preferred activity.
I do not understand sarcasm. I will never be able to understand sarcasm.
Sarcasm such as “ohh, sure why not, lets do that”. I will take absolutely serious.
My Autistic child also takes sarcasm seriously and does not understand that it is supposedly a “joke”.
I have an example of this dialogue.
When I was a child I was told not to roll the car window down and stick my head out of the car because my head would snap off.
I told them that, I didnt think that would happen.
My parents told me “fine then try it out”.
When I proceeded to do it, I was seriously yelled at.
I know from experience that if you speak to me sarcastically, I will forever going forward question whether I can trust you or whether I must doubt everything you say.
It can be absolutely exhausting.
Furthermore, I constantly have to question whether or not you are being sincere whenever you speak to me, I begin to not want to listen to anything you have to say.
It is exhausting having to second guess everything you are told.
-
Promising and making your child promise
If you find that your child makes you promise everytime you make plans with them, then you must know that your child is inadvertently telling you that they do not trust your word. It is also a serious indicator that they think you are a liar and cannot be trusted.
The same can be said for a parent. If you make your child promise to do something after they have said that they will do it. You are telling them that their single word is not enough and that you do not trust them to follow up on their words with actions.
In other words, you think they are a liar.
And if a child does not think that you will stick to your word because you broke a promise, or because you made a false claim. They will have no encouragemet to be men of their words either.
If a child believes like they cannot be believed, they will put no effort into being honest and truthful. Because why bother eh.
Another thing, is making your child promise not to do something they have done in the past. Or making them promise that they will be good going forward.
You will destroy their own sense of self respect when they inevitably break that promise. Essentially we are encouraging thm to grow up to be liars.
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Totalitarian Authority
Leading all conversations, activities, topics etc without having any kind of leading imput from your children can be detrimental.
Children who are only given rules and regulations in their life feel like they need to break the rules in order to feel in control of themselves.
It is so important to feel like we are in charge of our own lives. If we do not feel this way, we tend to fall into very self destructive behaviours. Such as Anorexia or Self Harm.
Allowing your children to be in charge of some decisions that concern them makes them more likely to follow rules and also behave better.
They understand that they are treated as individuals and their imput is important. So they do not need to act out and misbehave.
Speaking to their parents about what activities they would prefer and knowing that their opinions count and matter brings in a more respectful environement.
“Give respect to get respect” is probably the most truest statement ever.
Being in complete and total control over your child’s life and making their decisions for them will drive a wedge between you and your child. AND alientate your relationship with your child.
DO NOT DO THIS.
All this to say, however, is that you must still be in control and be the authority of the house.
But the little things, you should allow your child to decide.
- Clothes
- Activities
- Events
- Toppings
- Dinner selection
- Breatfast
etc
Dr Haim states in his book that one of the best way to show your authority is to do it with humour.
There is a difference between sarcasm and humour.
Sarcasm is being rude. But hiding under the umbrella of humour.
Also Sarcasm tends to be mean comparisons or horrible digs at a certain person.
Humour is a joke and not offensive or hostile towards the person on the receiving end.
Yes I know that not all person receive jokes the same way, however you know your child.
You know your childrens sensitivites and their sense of humour.
Ask your children what they want to do and see to it that sometimes you do the activities that they suggest.
You will gain their respect and also their compliance for the most part.
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Bringing up the Past
If you constantly remind your child of all the bad things they have previously done.
Or if you paint them as the bad apple.
They will not attempt to change your mind.
Rather they will conform to these ideas that you have of them.
For example:
If you call me a thief, expect me to steal and accuse me of it.
Hey man, I might as well steal.
Atleast this way I will get something for free.
And its much easier to give you what you want than to try to win a lost battle.
Also, be weary of your words.
If you constantly call your child naughty, cheeky, disruptive.
Then you should be clear that your child will behave this way more.
Do not make it seem pointless for your child to start behaving well.
If your child does something really well or respectful, do not ask them why they could not have behaved this way on a prior occassion etc.
Rather, you should praise them and thank them for their appropriate behaviour.
Be kind to your child.
Be nice to them.
Praise your kid.
Send them in a good direction with advice but do not force them or take away their free will.