I would like to add some information before I get into this post.
Autistic children are more prone to anger spouts because they experience a lot of Stimuli.
Sensory overload can be a very difficult thing to deal with for Autistic children.
Especially for our more sensory sensitive Autistic children.
Therapy
My child is Autistic and I have Autism also.
We are both still navigating and learning through life and what this is all about.
I have chosen, as an Autistic mother who received no help as a child. To try and provide my child with absolutely all the help I can gather for them.
This includes doing therapy sessions with my child at least 3 times a week as well as part time home schooling.
At home we do:
- Speech and Language Therapy
- Pivotal Response Treatment Therapy
- Social Therapy
- Behvaioural Therapy
I have made several posts including how to do Speech and Language Therapy at home which you can read here:
You can also read my posts on Pivotal Response Treatment Therapy here:
- Pivotal Response Treatment – Train sets
- PRT Therapy with Food
- Pivotal Response Treatment Therapy using PlayDough
- PRT Therapy using ball
- Pivotal Response Treatment at Home
Books
As well as relying on professionals and therapists for information on how best to navigate life around my Autistic child and how to help them cope with their sensory stimulations I do my own research also.
One of the best books I have found that helps me do this is called, “Between Parent and Child: Revised and Updated: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication”
This book has not been written for children who have Autism.
However, I have been applying some of the principles in this book in my household.
I have been doing this with both my Autistic child AND my non Autistic child.
And I have seen progress and major improvements.
So I honestly cannot recommend this book enough.
I have taken inspiration from this book for this post!
Disclaimer
Some children show their anger, temper tantrums and stubborn streaks against their parents or caregivers because it is a taught behaviour.
These children have either seen it or tried and tested it.
And since Autistic children tend to copy social behaviours that they see around them, this might be a possibility.
However, using the methods I will write about below, really will help you also get through the learned anger expressed behaviours.
Why Children get angry and throw tantrums?
All children go through phases with Temper Tantrums and spouts of Anger.
Children usually more than adults to go through this.
The reason for this is because of age.
Simply put, our children are still learning how to navigate through life while experiencing major emotions.
These emotions and their reactions to situations can be confusing.
Life is a constant slew of experiences that keep on changing.
And children need to constantly experience this while trying to place the correct emotions to the situation.
Sometimes children cannot always correctly analyse what is happening to them and how they feel about it. And it ends up becoming very overwhelming for them.
This leads to a ‘break’ in their mental analytic capabilities. Which then leads to a stubborn, crying, screaming child.
This is especially true when it comes to our Autistic children.
Our Autistic children struggle more than the average child in understanding social situations and what is going on around them.
The analysis of the world around Autistic children is much harder to understand.
Simple social cues like saying ‘good morning’ or responding to a ‘hi’ do not come as instinct. They must be taught and practised.
All of this needs brain power analysis and too much in a day can become extremely overwhelming.
Sometimes, we don’t even realise how much our children observe and how much they need to process.
Also their needs to have some time to really understand what is or has happened can be over looked.
Especially when it comes to Autistic children.
When they are too overwhelmed or are completely out of their comfort zone. The Autistic child can become hyper focussed on one thing and become very stubborn on it because in that moment it is the only thing that makes sense.
‘6 Steps’ of calming your child down
Now lets get into it!
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Set a good example
Here is the thing.
If you have no control over yourself, do not expect your kid to be able to have control over themselves.
Children and especially Autistic children learn from the people around them and if you have a screaming issue, or a smashing issue. Your child(ren) will be the same way.
I have a post on how you can learn to control your own temper. And I highly recommend you read and and begin to implement it in your life.
For yourself and for those around you.
You can read that post here:
Handling your anger as a parent
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Respond with the correct words.
Dr. Haim, states that a child who is in the middle of a tantrum cannot be reasoned with.
There is nothing you can do to try to bring any form of reasoning or explanantion regarding what happened to lead up to the anger explosion that your kid is expressing.
The only way to form any kind of connection with the brain of your child in that moment is to respond to how they feel.
Or rather, to put their feelings into words.
An example of these kind of sentences can be:
- “I see you are feeling angry”
- “That must have made you upset”
- “oh no, I can see how angry that has made you”
- “The situation has upset you”
- “This has made you sad”
The most important thing is to respond to their feelings and state their feelings out loud.
Autistic children cannot always connect emotions to their environment so it is very important that you put that into perspective with and for them.
Get down to the eye level of child and speak to them in an understanding manner.
This will help your child associate certain feelings with certain situations.
And it will help them be able to understand and deal with it much better.
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State the obvious with a solution
You cannot climb over a mountain if you do not have the correct tools.
The first time you use slippers, the second or third time you use trainers and then you realise you must use spikey shoes with a good grip to get over the mountain properly and quicker.
My Autistic child loves playing with trains.
When my child was younger, they would build ellaborate train tracks and link approximately 12 trains together on the track.
Of course, during the bends on the tracks, the train would fall off the tracks and my child would begin to cry.
It is important to state what is happening out loud.
“I see you are crying because the trains fell of the track, lets fix it”
After a few times of this my child would not cry anymore when the trains fell off the tracks and would just immediately fix it.
It lets your child know that these things can happen and can be fixed.
And that it is not the end of the world.
The thing is, Autistic children usually have a long plan in their mind. And they like to carry out this plan according to the steps that they have created in their head.
If anything was to break this plan or their carefully planned out steps. The whole thing can come to a stop and everything is ruined.
It is up to us to show them that this is not the case and there is a simple solution to it.
This also translates to building blocks that fall down and any other toy that gets stuck or a wheel falls off etc.
It will translate into something bigger when they get older and once they face an issue that causes a ‘stop’ to their steps or their plan, they can find a solution and carry on.
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Ignore their actions for now
Your child is acting out by:
- Throwing and
- Teasing,
- Mocking and
- Being disruptive.
Figure out the cause of their behaviour.
Maybe it is because they are nervous about an upcoming test.
Or they are scared because they are going into a different grade in school.
Maybe you are moving house and they are nervous about going to a new area.
Also, a possibility is the fact that the event is over and they are trying to process what happened. When they cannot properly process it their brain focuses on behaviours which might be disruptive as a distraction.
Your child might not even be doing this consciously.
The solution to this would be to not respond to what they are doing but rather you must respond to how they are feeling.
An example of this would be if your child is going to the doctors to get their shots taken.
“”Child screaming and teasing””
You can respond with:
“I am being patient with you because I know you are scared to go to the doctors for your annual shot”
You can say this multiple times if needed.
Explaining it to any other siblings will also be helpful in not only raising them to be understanding and well mannered human beings but to also be kind and patient with each other in times like these.
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Calm down without critisicm.
Accept how they feel. A simple acceptance goes a long way.
You don’t need to make any further comments on how they should feel. Do not put them down or criticise them for any mistakes that they make.
We all learn from our mistakes and there is no need to breathe down their necks, telling them that they have done something wrong. They know.
What I mean by this is also in a situation like this, avoid advice.
I know this is very hard as a parent.
Sympathy for their situation and for them goes a long way in calming them down.
Sometimes, we just want someone to listen and to agree with us. Not give us advice or tell us what to do.
It is the same as us venting to a friend and them just listening.
We instantly feel better afterwards and that is what we hope to give to our children.
An ear and some understanding.
Having a long dialogue about it can lead to your child thinking you do not know or understand how they feel. Which in turn can lead to an argument.
Something that will rile the both of you up!
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Allow them to express themselves through writing.
My nephew, writes to his mother when something goes wrong in their relationship.
When they have an argument or he is really upset with her. He takes to the pen and paper.
This is an excellent technique.
Autistic children who are very non confrontational would find this an excellent source of expression.
It does not allow for direct confrontation and agression or arguments.
It is simply an outlet where you can clear you mind and put your emotions down on the paper.
I know that this is how I work also.
I can express myself and bring my point across brilliantly once I am given a pen or paper and told to write.
However, upon direct confrontation my brain comes to a halt and I am unable to express myself or defend myself.
Give your child this outlet and allow them to fully try to make you understand exactly what is going on in their head.
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Do not bring up the past in later conversations
Firstly, once the situation is over and done with, Do not bring this up later on.
It will damage your relationship with your child and they will begin to bottle up their feelings.
And secondly, This will lead to bigger outbursts and more temper tantrums.
Also it will make it much harder for you to calm them down in the future because they will not trust you.
Moreover, In their mind anything that they do or say will be held against them and so you become their enemy.
It will also encourage them to lie to you.
Please parents, do not make the mistake of holding things against your child.
By bringing up their past mistakes because you will only be distancing yourself from them and this will work against you.