How to deal with a lying Autistic child

Lets get some things out of the way first.

Autistic children are never comfortable with lying.

We can even go so far as to say that Autistic adults are not comfortable with lying.

It most certainly does not come natural to us.

Nor is it something we look forward to or enjoy doing.

One could argue that sometimes lying becomes necessary.

I am not one of those people.

If you have to lie over doing something. Then don’t do it in the first place.

 

However, sometimes children do not want to get in trouble.

Or they have come to learn that some white lies have gotten them off the hook in the past.

 

Lying and experimenting with lying is essential to human nature.

It comes as part of our survival instincts.

Is it a good thing?

No!

And the consequences can be more severe than the lie.

 

Children begin to lie from roughly around the age of four to see how far they push your limits and go past the boundaries you have put in place.

This post is not speaking about compulsive liars.

Compulsive liars lack self control and lying has become such a part of their personality that they cannot stop.

 

This post is for children who lie about things so that they do not get in trouble. Or lie about things that they think would get them in trouble.

 

The question which pops up is:

Are our children so uncomfortable around us that they think they need to lie to stay in our good books?

 

Lets make sure that it is not like this in our house.

 

Research

My child was diagnosed with Autism from a very early age and we have been working with various therapists and specialists for the last 2 and a half years. We have has sessions at least 3 times a week.

ALL of which I have attended and been part of.

I strongly believe in early intervention for Autistic children.

My child is able to cope and manage much better now, from all ranges of sensory issues to social anxiety.

 

I have spoken with my childs’ Autism specialist and Autism Therapist.

On this post, I have gathered all the useful tips and tricks that I have found that really help encourage your child to become truthful.

Even if it means that they will get in trouble.

 

I have also done some research on this topic and I think an excellent book to read for more information would be, “Between Parent and Child” and also “Why Kids Lie: How Parents Can Encourage Truthfulness“.

Both of these books can be found on amazon.

 

Lying is a taught skill when it comes to Autistic children.

It is not an instinct and it is not something they immediately know how to do.

 

In addition to this post, I have some posts on the best ways to get your Autistic child to communicate with you.

You can find that post here, “Helping speech development by play”

And, “6 Speech Therapy Techniques for children with Autism”

 

It also might be a good idea to see my post on how you can control your anger better, in order to avoid putting our children into survival mode which would make them think that they MUST lie.

You can read that post through this link, “Handling your anger as a parent”

 

 

Lets tackle this head on!

In order for an Autistic child to lie properly and well, they need a well rehearsed lie. Something that they have practised.

If their lie has not been practised and it is impromptu, their lie will the clumsy and it will be very easy to catch them out.

 

We usually cannot prevent the activities that lead to the child lying.

Because children are children and they will touch and break and crash.

 

Research has shown that children, and especially Autistic children sometimes cannot control themselves.

If they have an ‘itch’ to touch something, even if they know that they must not or that it is not allowed. They will do it anyway.

The strength of the ‘itch’ will override any rational thought and any doubt that they have on whether they should do it or not.

It is only after the action has been taken and the consequences are in front of them that they realise “oh, oh, no”

 

Let us start with how to not encourage them to lie!

Children learn whether or not to lie based off of our reactions to them when they tell us the truth.

Especially a ugly or negative truth.

 

A difference of opinion should be respected instead of shut down. That is how we raise strong independent individuals.

We do not want a “Yes Man”

 

And this is especially true with docile Autistic children who have social anxiety and will go along with whatever in order to not ruffle any feathers.

They can very easily turn into Yes men.

 

So how do we get them to tell us the truth about it when we ask them?

 

• Forcing your child into a lie

Asking them questions you already have the answer to.

If you know that your child has done something, do not ask them in an accusatory manner.

Rather you should make it a statement and let them know that you already know.

If you are wrong, they will correct you.

However, accusing them or asking them a question while you are looking at the answer is never the right way.

 

You should always remember that your children are allowed to hold different opinions to you.

If your child does not like something do not make them try to like it because of you.

If your child tells you how they feel. No matter how bad it is or how rude it may seem. Hear them out first.

Punishing them for speaking out their thoughts to you will only make your child think that you want them to lie.

Because them lying and hiding their true emotions keeps you happy.

And so, that is what they will keep doing from that point on.

 

There is a great example in the book, “Between Parent and Child”, where a mother spanked her child, after her child expressed that they “Hated” grandma.

The child then quickly changed their tune during their spanking and claimed that they loved their grandmother.

This little boy then learns that he cannot tell mommy the truth because he will be punished for it.

And that his mommy prefers little liars and secret keepers to honest and open children.

 

The solution for his mother at the point where her child expressed that he hated his grandmother would have been to ask him why.

To show him that she was listening and that she is interested in how he feels and why he feels that way.

 

• Accusations

Accusing your child, means you do not trust them.

And you do not think they are responsible.

AND it puts the child in defensive mode.

Once your child feels like they must defend themselves, you will be at a loss.

Because they will not be looking for a way to come to an agreement with you.

They will be looking for a way out.

 

A child can also go into the mentality that if they do something or do not something, they will be accused of if anyway.

It is much easier to go with the flow, rather than try to go against something you see as a fact anyway.

And so they might as well go ahead and do it.

They can always try to deny it later.

They may or may not get away with it. But because they know you will label them regardless, they will do it.

 

Saying this like:

“You didn’t clean your room did you?”

“What have you done?”

“Why did you do this, huh?”

“Are you sure you…..”

These are all questions you should try your absolute best to avoid.

 

Instead you should start your sentences with:

“I heard….”

or

“I see…..”

 

And keep your tone calm and relaxed for gods sake.

Don’t shake their little hearts out of their body.

 

• Teach Honesty

I have a story to tell.

When I was in my first year of school as a naive young Autistic child. The teacher during our first week went around the class and asked us all individually what we had done during our weekend.

There were some very fun answers throughout the classroom that the children gave.

I had nothing to mention and I so badly wanted to fit in, so I said, “We went to Disneyland in Paris.”

That is simply not possible over a single weekend from the country we were living in.

However, instead of my teacher calling me out in front of my entire class and naming me a liar, she simply said, “I dont think that is possible, I think you mean to say that you wish you has gone to Disneyland in Paris”

I heard the message loud and clear!

And I never did such a thing again.

 

Wishful thinking in children is a real and alive imagination.

It is a very common phenomenon. Both in Autistic children and Non-Autistic children.

 

She did not label me a liar. Nor did she dwelve into my lie. And she did not feed it either.

She shut it down in the best way possible.

In a way which made me understand the difference between Reality and Imagination.

 

As an Autistic person, I often want to just escape into my own head and do my own thing.

Sometimes I want the things in my brain to manifest into real life because that is what I understand.

And that the outside world is much more complicated than what is in my head.

 

• Labelling is a really big issue.

Children have imaginations and sometimes they either wish their imaginations were reality and so saying it out loud almost makes it so. Or that they genuinely enjoy to play make believe.

It would be the same as a young child having a tea party with her dolls. You should never make her feel stupid because the dolls are fake and so the situation is not real.

Allow her to engage her fantasies and you can participate in them too if she wants.

 

Our children would much rather that their thoughts, they be called a fantasy and imagination, as they are. Than to be told they are lies, unrealistic and stupid!

The more you grow up, the more you realise the difference between the two (Imagination and Reality).

 

If you label a child a liar, they will almost live up to the term you are describing them as.

Psychology proves this.

The way you treat someone is the way that they become in the future. Or at least with you.

Children believe the descriptions about themselves that their parents use for them. And once those descriptions are in place, it is very rare that a child will break out of them.

 

 

• Tell them. Do not ask them

All that having been said above.

Do not be afraid to call out your child when they do something wrong.

If you see something that is being done or being said that is wrong.

Say it out like.

But not like a question.

Make it a statement.

“Your teacher told me that you failed your test today”

Asking them, “Did you pass your test today” leaves room open for lying or for them becoming defensive.

A simple statement with prevent the child becoming defensive and going into lying mode!

 

The worst thing to do is to ask “why?” in a rhetorical manner.

Do not ask your child questions that they do not know how to answer.

Also do not ask your child a question about their personality in a rhetorical manner that states their character is bad.

An example of this would be,

“Why are you so stupid”.

 

I have heard a lot of parents say this to their children and their children seriously slump their backs, their eyes go wide and the hurt and pain is so bloody evident on their face, my heart breaks for them.

You are essentially asking your child why they are inadequate enough for you.

And making them feel like they do not live up to your standard of what a human should be.

It is not good. NOT GOOD.

 

Disclaimer

Do not panic if you see or catch your child in a lie.

Lying is also a learning process.

We do not want our children to not know how to lie.

What we want is for them to not have to feel like they need to use that option.

 

Autistic children usually mimic and copy their environment. And around us people lie all the time. Its part of Life.

So when our children mimic that, it is good to get down to their level and explain the consequences of lying.

 

Tell them about the story of the ‘Boy who cried wolf’.

Let them know that a liar, once labelled as such, loses respect and friends.

Nobody wants to believe or trust that person.

And that they become much less reliable.

The consequences of lying are never positive and we must make sure our children know this.

People can get hurt and relationships can be ruined.

 

We would much rather have a naughty child who is fully honest and open.

Than a quiet child who constantly lies.

 

Also

This is not a one day or a two day fix.

It may be that your child is going through a phrase.

Or that they are experimenting with it.

Whatever the reason may be, have patience with them.

It will pay off in the future.