Get your Autistic child to OPEN up to you

Table of Contents

Dear Parents, Guardians and Caregivers.

It can be argued that when your child is comfortable enough to come to you when they need to speak to someone or are in ‘need’ you have reached the top of the mountain.

That is when you have reached the peak of your parenting skills.

Before we get into this post I have to mention something to you all.

Of course, it is our job to teach and guide our children.

And it is up to us to make them decent, compassionate and fully functioning human beings. However, teaching and guiding is one thing.

Setting an example is entirely a different thing.

Autism

I have two children.

One of whom has been diagnosed with Autism and one of whom who has not!

I use these techniques with both of my children and I have found that it makes a massive difference to even just their mood as soon as they come home from school and kindergarten.

My Autistic child is the older sibling. We have established a decent communication pathway with each other and my younger child is taking heed.

Sometimes, I will be referencing to my Autistic child in this post and other times I might reference my non Autistic child.

I will make it clear though which one I am referencing!

These techniques that I will write about in this post works for both Typical and Atypical children.

I might argue however, that Autistic children need more help in the communication department because it does not come naturally to them.

They do not normally, out of their own accord begin to talk to you and open up to you without being prompted or trained to do so.

This might not necessarily mean that they are not comfortable speaking to you, No!.

It just means that they do not think to do so because such an action has not crossed their minds.

Or that they simply do not know how.

Keep in Mind,

We expect our children to communicate with us and take offence when they don’t.

It is not a thing to take offence about. Really.

Our children love us and sometimes just need to be reminded that we are their safe space and we will not judge them.

Communicating with you effectively means that they need to have the volcabulary for a basic conversation.

It also means that they need to be able to recognise their own emotions and be able to say it in words.

For Autistic children this can be quite a struggle.

I have written several posts on how to help your Autistic and non Autistic child learn to communicate better with you.

You can read those posts here:

Whether from our Autistic children or our non Autistic children, we sometimes, as parents in general, expect behaviours from our children, that we ourselves do not show.

And that is not good.

What ends up happening is that our children begin to see us as hypocrites and over time, stop respecting our decisions. They also begin to ignore our input or authority on absolutely everything.

Especially during those teenage years.

I mean those are the years when we need to have established a bond with our children already because going through so many changes is a massive challenge.

During the time our teenagers are experiencing the world from a whole new light, they do not need the added stress of us forcing them to talk to us or feeling like they much force themselves to be in our presence.

It should be something that they would still want to do out of their own accord.

Research

I have been doing extensive research about how I can better my bond with my children, as well as help improve my relationship with them.

Many of the conclusions that have come from my research is that gentle parenting techniques help really harbor a respectful and a deeply connected bond between the parents and their children.

Showing your children that you understand them and are there for them goes a long way in connecting with them and having a close relationship with them.

An amazing book that I have come across when it came to doing my research is called, ‘Between Parent and Child‘.

This book is by Dr. Haim Ginott, who believes that the foundation to a positive household and a deep connection with the people in your family is gentle parenting.

Establishing good communications and a good bond with our children should start from when they are young and it is not something we can expect to happen automatically.

It is something we need to help establish with them, through being open and being respectful.

But, I must reiterate my point.

You must check your own behaviour first as a parent.

Then, and only then, can you create a open, honest and comfortable environment around you.

Nothing good can come from anger.

And when someone is angry, it is not possible to reason with them or to try to have an effective conversation with them.

EVERYBODY knows this.

Which is why, if there is anger or a loss of control over emotions in your household, then you must first begin and deal with that.

I have previously written a post on how you can control your own temper and the words you use during your spouts of anger.

You can read that post here, “Handling your anger as a parent‘

Then, and only then can you begin to deal with the anger of your child.

You can read how to do that here, ‘Handling your Autistic childs Anger‘

Autistic children learn from their environment.

They copy and mimic what they see around them.

So whatever is displayed around them. Is how they will develop their personality and also act.

First things First.

How do you get your child to open up to you?

Your child needs to be comfortable enough to make mistakes in front of you.

Spilling something, or dropping something should not be made into a big deal.

We cannot embarass our children for something that is not in their control.

This will only cause them self esteem issues. As well as self doubt and a severe increase in personal mental criticism.

Us, being the cause of that, would mean that our children will eventually avoid us in order to not feel or be made to feel that way. Or out of fear of making a mistake in front of us.

Of course as parents we never want to make our children feel this kind of way. It is more of a generational thing.

My parents for example could never accept mistakes from us. And when we would do things accidentally like spillings, my mother especially would be very harsh.

Also ridicule was a common thing growing up and the serious self esteem issues that stems from that is severe.

When your child spills something or drops something, tell them it is not a problem.

Let them know that they must clean it up and give them the equipment to clean it. And help them if its something big or if it a big spilling.

Of course if it is glass then send them to another room and you deal with it, because we do not want our children to cut themselves or anything.

It is crazy how scolding has become such an instict for some people. Just because the environment that they grew up in was like that.

I will give you an example from Today

My Non Autistic child today dropped their bowl of pasta and immediately looked to me.

I held back my instinct to scold them for it.

Saying things like, “Hold it properly” or “Why didn’t you hold it tighter?” etc are extremely unhelpful.

Not all accidents have a fault.

Domino effects are something completely different. Doing something out of ignorance is also different.

And people tend to learn from their mistakes.

But sometimes things just happen, that suck.

Instead I told my child that it is okay and that these things can happen.

I said even though it was an accident it must be cleaned up.

At this point my child asked me if I could help them clean it and and so of course I did.

This is also the approach that Dr Haim takes and states that this is how you should respond to your child when they make a mistake.

Be There when your child needs you

Children who experience something that they need emotional support with might not be experiencing it at a convenient time.

The reason why I say this is because sometimes we find ourseles busy.

We are busy as parents. God only knows how busy we are.

And sometimes, our children come to us when we are in the middle of cooking dinner, or when we are working, or when we are preparing, or fixing something.

So we tell them, “Not now”, or “In a minute”.

The faster we can avoid doing this, we should.

If your child comes to you in the middle of the night because of a nightmare, don’t dismiss it.

Speak to them about it and ask them how they feel.

Make yourself available to your children when they need you and drop everything when they want to have a serious conversation with you.

They are the most important thing in your world. Make sure you as well as they, know this!

Keep In Mind!

If we are not there for them when they stub their toe, then they will not expect us to be there for them when they break their leg.

Take their emotions seriously

Just as we feel very strongly about things. And we get passionate when we speak. We even experience ‘Road Rage’.

These very strong very real emotions take over and we expect others to be understanding.

Yet we begin to forget that our own children also experience strong emotions. And just because we are adults who have felt these things, dealt with them and gotten over them, or realised that those things do not matter much to us anymore, they are very real and matter very much to our children.

Our children have only lived on this earth for a short period of time compared to us. How we expect them to just let it go when they experience something that is devastating to them; however small it might seem for us.

Turn their feelings into statements such as these:

“That must be embarassing for you”
“You must hate that so much”
“You sound like you really hate him right now”

If we ignore how they feel or tell them that they way that their emotions are not valid, then they will never take us seriously anymore nor will they ever want to open up to us.

They will think we do not understand them and that we will not even try to. So then why should they ever tell us about their day? or why should they tell us how they are feeling?

The same thing applies when it comes to using derogatory words for your children.You should NEVER tell them that they way they feel is stupid. Or that their feeling embarassed is silly because there is nothing to be embarassed off, etc.

To a child, having their friend not come to school that day can feel like the end of the world.

Or the supermarket being out of their favourite cereal can ruin their whole day.

To us, these things might not be seen as anything serious but to the child they are.

Any words, you as their main caregiver or parent use on the child, is a word they will take as fact, internalise and believe about themselves.

Severely damaging words that you should NEVER, EVER use with your children include but are not limited to, “Stupid, Dumb, Idiot, Blind, Useless” etc

Instead,

Try using statements such as, “OMG, that sucks, you were really looking forward to eating that”.

These statements are NOT adding misery to their already sad plate.

Rather you are agreeing that it sucks that they cannot have it.

Contrary to popular belief saying thing like, “Don’t worry about it, its not a problem, just choose something else” can make the situation worse.

Try not to offer an alternative to the child’s mentality.

Because this is actually dismissive. And your child will think you are trying to paint over their devastation with a paintbrush to try to cover it up.

Just offer a comforting comment of understanding and sympathy.

Specifically, with Autistic children

They experience emotions tenfold. Everything is more.

And they struggle to control it and they struggle to understand it.

Adding sensory overloads and we can end up with a child who is really, really struggling.

It is our job as their parents to help them control and understand themselevs.

So when our children come to us with something, IMMEDIATELY we must take it seriously.

Implement these techniques into your household and in the future, your children will come to us when they are experiencing something.

They will speak to us when they are feelings overwhelmed and experiencing deep emotional overloads.

However, it is our job as parents to create an environment that will allow this kind of a open relationship to grow.

Starting as early as possible is the best thing to do.

However, it is never too late I think!