My Autistic child STEALS. What do I do?

This is a problem. A very big problem.

And it absolutely needs to be nipped in the bud. Like yesterday!

 

Alright so, first things first. Let me give you a little background information.

I am an Autistic mother to an Autistic child. And a non Autistic child.

My child is diagnosed with Autism.

We always suspected that our child was a little extra special.

Thankfully we live in a country where diagnosis does not take too long and early intervention is significantly recommended.

So we were very lucky, in the sense that we had a lot of resources available to us.

 

However. This is not the case with everyone. For some people it is very difficult to find help.

Especially depending on the area that you live in and the availability of professionals AND of course their prices.

I remember when we first received our diagnosis for our Autistic child, the stress and worry and also the fear of how we would manage it.

And the constant thought of whether we were doing it right or wrong. Or if we completely missed the mark.

Of course, not all Autistic people are the same and they all have different needs that we as parents try our best to meet.

 

 

Because of this,

I decided to log and note all the different therapy sessions and training that we did with our Autistic child.

I have made all of their therapy sessions, training, recipes and much more available for free because I truly believe these resources should be available to everyone.

Please do not come at me for claiming that I am a professional because I have never said that.

What I have done is attended hundreds of therapy sessions over a period of some years, and attended all their extra curricular activities and social training.

So I am sure you can find something that might be helpful to you, that I have written about.

 

Also, it is worth noting that, many of the things I have written about can be applied to both Autistic AND non Autistic children.

 

 

Now, back onto the topic at hand

My sister is also a mother to 4 children. 2 of whom are suspected of also being Autistic.

And this issue of stealing has come up.

One of her children has started to decide that she has a right to other peoples stuff.

Now mind you, she has only just turned 5 years old. So she is still a baby in my eyes.

 

She is not the one who is suspected of being Autistic.

However, her older brother who is also my sisters eldest child IS suspected of also being Autistic.

And he has also taken some things that did not belong to him also.

 

Now, I have spoken with my childs behavioural specialist, as well as a therapist on what the solution would be to this problem.

And they have come up with a ‘step’ guide to try to make it stop. Which we are currently applying in our and in my sisters household.

Points to note

Stealing/taking things that do not belong the child who took them is actually more common than we think.

Ownership, asking for permission and understanding limits and boundaries take some time to learn.

Children are not born knowing exactly what is right and what is wrong.

That is taught to them from an early age.

This is especially true with Autistic children. Because the concept of ownership is a form of a social construct which can be quite difficult for an Autistic child to understand.

 

Understand that the concept of teaching your child not to steal and the meaning of ownership takes time and patience.

 

 

What to do?

The gentle parenting method, has been proven to create less stress in the household and so this is the method we are going to go with.

Stealing, or taking something which does not belong, should be stopped immediately.

However, the way in which you chose to stop them is what will shape their personality and future behaviours.

 

If you notice your child take something which does not belong to them it is very important for the parent/caregiver/guardian to not be dramatic about it.

What this means, is that long lectures on stealing should be avoided at all costs.

Lecturing and guiding are two very different things. And it is important to only do the latter of the two.

 

You must tell your child clearly, that they are not the owner of whatever it is they have taken.

Make it clear that they must give the object back to its rightful owner. Because, they will absolutely be upset about the fact that their posession is gone. AND make it clear to your child, that the person who they took the thing from, wants it back!

The same scenario can be applied to sweets/candy that the child has taken from the store.

Or toys they have taken from their friends.

Or anything really which did not belong to them in the first place.

 

Now imagine that the child refuses to cooperate with you.

Well, essentially there is a 3 step solution.

 

However, bear in mind that this solution can only be applied if you are absolutely sure that your child has taken it.

Suspicions where you have some doubt about whether your child actually stole or not is different. Because that will label your child a thief and a liar.

Avoid this at all costs.

The worst thing you can do is accuse a child only with suspicion.

 

• Step 1

Make a simple statement.

Be understanding in the way that you adress your child.

Keep your statement simple and do not make it accusatory.

 

For example:

“You would like to keep Johnny’s toy. But it does not belong to you, it belongs to Johnny. So you must return it.”

 

IF your child does not admit to taking the toy or says that they do not have it. And is not giving it back, then you need to go to step 2.

 

 

• Step 2

Repeat to your child that the toy is not theirs and that they must give it back.

Make your statement slightly more shorter and more firm.

Do not give any leeway for your child to argue their way out of it.

Just give them a pure factual, unemotional statement.

 

If your child still does not cooperate with you, then it is time to take action.

 

 

• Step 3

If your child still refuses to return the toy that they have taken. AND you have tried step 1 and step 2, then it is time for you to take action.

Repeat yourself for the final time with a short simple sentence, such as, “It is not yours, so you must return it”

Take the toy out of their pocket or their hands and physically return it to the rightful owner youself. AND make sure to do this in front of your child.

 

 

Money

As is the case with most young adults who steal or take what does not belong to them. It usually tends to be money.

Not always. But usually.

If you know that your child t0ok money out of your purse or wallet the worst thing that you can do is ask them whether they took money out of your wallet or purse.

The best solution to this is to make a statement that you KNOW they took some of your money.

 

For example,

“I know that you took money from me. You must give it back”

 

Of course, once this has been done, you must let your child know that should they need or want money. Then they need to come to you and speak to you about it.

Promise them that if they do that, you will keep an open mind.

 

IF your child has already spent the money, then you need to come up with a program alongside your child which needs to document how they will pay you back that money.

Otherwise, you can always choose to take the money out of their allowance.

 

If you want to introduce giving your child an allowance, then you can read my post on the best ways to do that here, ‘Teaching MONEY Responsibility to your child’

 

The best thing to do, is when you know. You make sure that they know that you know what they have done.

But ONLY if you know!

That way, you are not giving them an opportunity to lie about it.

 

 

Disclaimer,

Like mentioned above, do not label your child a liar or a thief.

Because they will begin to believe you vision of them and they will fit into that mould.

Another thing to keep in mind, is to avoid asking your child why they have done what they did.

Asking them their motivation behind doing something, if they are unsure or forgot their reason for taking it in the first place. Will only prompt and encourage them to lie.

 

Let your child know that they should come to you and ask you for what is it that they want.

Tell them you will listen to their concerns and wants.

AND THEN MAKE SURE YOU DO!

 

 

Further Resources

If your child couples their stealing with lying, then it is important to know that these two topics must be dealt with separately.

I have already made a post that can tell you exactly what to do step by step in order to help your child not lie and start telling the truth.

You should read that post here, ‘How to deal with a lying child‘.

 

In addition to that, there is a book which I do consider to be my holy grail when it comes to gentle parenting.

The book is called, ‘Between Parent and Child‘ and is written by Dr Haim Ginott.

This book really encompasses how to raise a child without shouting or raising your voice while beign stressed.

It also reiterates to us, as parents, that our children are individuals and not extensions of ourselves.

 

If your child is old enough to understand, you can also explain to them the consequences of what stealing might have. Especially, if it is a thing that they decide to carry on with.

 

Our children are their own person and we can only guide them in the moral and ethical way to behave.

A good way of thinking of it, is like building a house. Only you lay the initial brickwork and teach them how to lay the bricks on top of those.

Then allow your child to complete the job slowly as they get older.

Till their house is complete.