3 Simple steps to help an aggressive autistic child

A little bit of background information

I am an Autistic mother with an Autistic child.

I would like to try to make my aggressive autistic child less aggressive. Recently, we have noticed that my autistic child is slightly aggressive. I want to nip this in the bud before it possibly goes out of hand.

Which I really hope it doesn’t.

I will be really honest and say that I am out of my element on this one, and so I have had to ask for professional help.

Growing up, I myself have had serious anger issues. My autism was undiagnosed and I did not have any help trying to self regulate so I went around for my entire childhood and early adulthood masking, causing me to become an aggressive autistic child.

The masking and the abuse I suffered is what, in my opinion, caused me to become an angry person, often verbally lashing out.

I never physically lashed out, because I was around physical abuse a lot as a child and I could never inflict that on anyone else. But, this on top of me being undiagnosed, most likely caused me to also be an aggressive autistic child.

Does an aggressive environment cause an aggressive autistic child?

In my opinion and also in the opinion of the specialist whose advice I sought after these 2 consecutive incidents is that an aggressive environment can have a big impact on an aggressive autistic child.

When an aggressive autistic child is in a setting where people are frequently loud hostile, it can make them feel stressed and scared. This can make a usually calm autistic child becomes an aggressive autistic child. And make them more likely to act out aggressively, as they might be trying to protect themselves or copy the behaviour they see around them.

Autistic children learn from society and from observing other children. 

My problem is that, I did not want my autistic child to learn that you should not hit back when someone is hurting them. Or that they should not defend themselves.

However, now, whenever my autistic child is frustrated, they immediately become a physically aggressive autistic child.

So for example:

1. If my child gets accidentally pushed. 
2. Or accidentally trips onto my child because of another child who unknowingly placed something in the way. 
3. If a child mixes their toys with my child toys.

My child gets aggressive with them. 

All this to say, I want my kid to first and foremost use their words and understand that pushing another kid away should be the last resort.

What reasons cause my autistic child to become an aggressive autistic child?

In order to help an aggressive autistic child become less aggressive, or to help them deal with it better than getting angry or lasing out; it is important to note what is causing the aggression in your autistic child.

Once, we are able to pinpoint exactly what is causing my usually calm and sweet autistic child to become an aggressive autistic child, it is much easier to work together with our kid to find a solution that does not lead to them acting out.

It is worth noting that during the early childhood stage and toddler stage. Aggression is actually not uncommon in all children. It can also be argued to be part of normal childhood. They just haven’t been on earth long enough to learn how to release their feelings without causing chaos.

Toddlers and children tend to act out because they don’t know how to control their behaviour. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, aggressive behavior in toddlers is usually a phase that many children outgrow as they develop better communication skills and emotional regulation.

What if you have a seriously, dangerously, aggressive autistic child?

I was given the advice that, for any overly aggressive autistic child, you must do ‘over correction’.

Over correction means, if your child runs into and purposely pushes or hurts another kid, have your child apologise to the kid and take their hand and walk them back to the starting point where they began running or walking from. Then help them walk/run up to the kid again and say ‘Hello’ or ‘Hi’ or teach them to go around the kid.

You must apply this scenario just the same if your child snatches a toy away from another kid. Firstly, ask your kid to apologise to that child. Then walk them back a few steps and finally have your child walk up to the child to ask for the toy nicely.

You should repeat these steps for as long as needed, until your aggressive autistic child stops hurting others and co operates with you.

What happened to my autistic child that made them an aggressive autistic child?

I had arranged for a play date with my autistic child to see another friend who I had not seen in around 10 years. She also had a child the same age as my autistic child.

I shall not comment on the parenting skills of other parents but I feel a little bit bitter about it if I’m honest. 

As soon as we stepped into her house, before we even had the chance to sit down and take off our coats. Her son pinned my child against their wall and was holding them by the throat.

I was dumbstruck to be honest and could not believe what I was seeing. The mother told me that her son loved to act like the ‘heroes’ he sees on TV. In particular, he is very fond of spiderman and wants to get the bad guys the way spiderman does.

Her solution her son doing this to my autistic child was to tell her son that she was refusing to be his mum anymore. She also told her son that she would become someone else’s mum if he kept up his bad behaviour.

This was honestly her response to her son every time he would act up. I promise I am not even exaggerating. Not even a little bit!

My autistic child was confused and very hurt and very afraid. Her child kept repeatedly trying to hurt my child. You name it. This kid was trying to do it!

• Hitting,  
• Kicking,  
• Biting.

What I did

At this point, I had already called for a ride to leave her place as it was pouring rain outside and I did not want to stand outside in it with my child. I gave my child my phone, so that my child could have some peace and safety by sitting on my lap.

At this point, her young son who is around 3 years old decides that my phone is now his phone and grabs it out of my child’s hands.

I know and understand this child has not been raised right and it is certainly not his fault. I grabbed my phone back and told him “no, this phone belong to my child”.

This young boy then started screaming and crying and telling this mother that I am a meanie.

I told the boy that he was being a meanie and a bad guy. And, that my child would have to become spiderman to stop him from being bad.

I explained to my child that this behaviour from this boy is unacceptable and very very bad. In front of the boy! AND HIS MUM.

At this point I really did not care about being respectful or having the appropriate manners when being a guest!

This boy then tried to hit my autistic child again!

And the mother just sat in her spot telling this young child, that she would rather be the mother of another child unless he stops.

Prior to this point, I had told my child to always tell an adult when there was things like bullying or someone being mean. Because, you know, they are 3 years old.

It was honestly so gobsmackingly shocking to see this behaviour from a 3 year old.

So, I told my child that, they would have my full support and i’d have their back if they decided to hit back. I also told my child that sometimes, saying ‘no’ does not work on its own and some children still don’t stop after hearing the word ‘no’.

Sometimes, hitting back is the only solution.

I reminded my child of this several times.  

Since this child has had no discipline or boundaries or any form of any kind of anything, they should probably also learn from natural consequences!

My kid hit back several times. And I never scolded my child for it.

After this, I left with my child to go outside, in the dark, in the rain and wait for my ride outside!

Safe to say that I will never see or speak to her again!

Consequences of this incident!

My child was never aggressive prior to an incident. My child was very docile and nice and would never speak up loud or say anything mean or aggressive. 

My autistic child switched and became an aggressive autistic child overnight. Wrestling with a child younger than themselves and much weaker. My child even ended up DISLOCATING that young childs’ arm.

The entire incident was so unexpected and it took no more than 3 seconds.

And yes, I do blame the prior incident to the consequence of this incident.

I messed up!.

I did not know the child would be like this! This young mother was a very dear friend of mine. We studied and hung out together regularly!

The techniques I use to help my aggressive autistic child be less aggressive

I was told that in order to help an aggressive autistic child, and we have identified what it was that triggered their aggression then we must:

1. Reduce the triggers and keep them away from these triggers as much as possible
2. Offering clear communication – for example, telling them that their behaviour is destructive, pointless and also makes everyone unwilling to cooperate with them. I truly believe that any aggressive autistic child does not wish to cause harm to others and letting them know that this is what they are doing will help in reducing this behaviour

Teach your aggressive autistic child to use their words, for example, if your child is the aggressive one, let them know how they can ask the other kid for a toy to be shared. Or teach them how to ask to join in with playing with others.

If your child is experiencing another child snatching things away from them, tell them to use their words first. For Example, “Can I have my toy back?”, or “that’s mine, give it back” etc

It may be that the other child does not cooperate with your child, or agree to give their toy back, or apologise for hurting them. In this case, it is much better to teach your child to come to you, a trusted adult or a teacher for help!

3. Creating a calm environment – such as, giving them a space to calm down

These top 3 points are the most important. However, I also highly recommend that you add

• Maintaining consistent routines – this is to avoid additional triggers. Some scenarios might not overwhelm an autistic child, however many scenarios added together can certainly create an overly stressed aggressive autistic child
• Using positive reinforcement – to reward calm behavior can help manage an aggressive autistic child’s actions more effectively.

Our progress with my aggressive autistic child

I have been doing some speech therapy techniques with my child in order to help them be able to express themselves much better using language.

You can read that post here….

I have noticed that, the better my child is at communication, the less aggressive they are.

My kid will now say:

• “No” 
• “Stop it” 
• “Get off” 
• “Enough”

They are able to express their dislike for something, using various different words. And my child will come to me or go to their teacher if they are unable to resolve it themselves with the other child.

Personal opinion on aggressive children!

Once my kid is a little bit older, I will be adding another point to the techniques I am currently doing above.

• If the child is physically aggressive, push back!

It’s just so MADDENING that one incident has had such a huge dent in social learning for my autistic kid. It is such a massive set back in development for my aggressive autistic child, who was not aggressive at all prior to this incident!

The problem is is. There are children like my ex-friends all around our kids.  

And speaking to them, telling them their behaviour is not okay, is not effective. 

Their parents have not taught them socially acceptable behaviour. Literally failed parents who raise bullies.

I do not want to raise a victim and if things get to a bad place, my child should know how to defend themselves. Hence, their self defence classes!

Try to remember,

Once your aggressive autistic child learns that words can be more effective and get them better results, their aggression will significantly reduce. Them learning how to use their words is key though!

Our aggressive autistic children, like other children will learn self-control with age.

A good book to read on this whole topic is – Handbook of Interdisciplinary Treatments for Autism Spectrum Disorder 

I would also like to add that I have placed my child in self defence classes. These lessons have really helped teach my aggressive autistic child about what behaviours are appropriate and what you should NEVER allow anyone to do to you. AND how to defend yourself should anyone cross your boundaries.

Best Decision I Ever Made!