The Best Way to Get Married While Having Autism

Living with Autism: My Journey into Getting Married while Having Autism

Hi there, I am here to share my experience of getting married while having autism.

Yep, you read that right – I navigated marriage with all the quirks, strengths, and challenges that come with being on the autism spectrum.

If you are curious about deeper insights on this topic, I really recommend Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger’s Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder): Successful Strategies for Couples or Counselors‘. It also offers helpful strategies, but I am here to talk about my own take on this.

Anyway.

I chose to have an arranged marriage.

Best thing I ever did.

Why I Chose an Arranged Marriage

I opted for an arranged marriage, and I am so glad I did.

I know, I know. Cue debates on tradition, feminism, and independence.

But for me, the logic and structure of an arranged marriage fit perfectly with how I approach life.

Historically, arranged marriages had lower divorce rates, and many couples seemed genuinely content in my opinion.

While times have changed, arranged marriages are still more common than you might think, and they can hold a lot of benefits.

For someone wanting to get married while having autism, this method offered a unique advantage: the decision-making process was analytical and free from overwhelming emotions.

No love-struck haze clouding my judgment. I could focus on the pros and cons, assessing what traits I needed in a partner and what behaviors I could never live with.

It gave me control. There was no obligation to stick around and exchange pleasantries if it was not a match.

Just a straightforward “no,” and I moved on.

No mind games, no subtle cues to interpret, just clarity.

Also there is no opportunity to fall in love and become blinded by it to the point where I accept behaviours in the moment, that may break the marriage in the future.

• The power to look at things from a birds eye view.
• With full constructive criticism.
• And from as much as an unbiased opinion that one can hold.

How I Found My Partner

The search was not quick or rushed; it spanned over around 3 years.

During that time, I met several potential partners.

Some seemed perfect on paper, but in person, they were not what I was looking for. I turned down many proposals, trusting my instinct while trying to stay patient.

I even decided to move to a different city for better job opportunities, thinking I might pause the search for a while.

That is when, out of the blue, I met my husband.

It is almost funny how things fell into place when I stopped actively searching.

I wrote a list, and my now husband also wrote a list.

We compared lists with each other and then the process of elimination started.

I did not find what I was truly looking for and after a while I decided it was best to move to a different city to start working because job opportunities were much better at a different city.

A few weeks before my move was finalised I came across my now husband.

His list regarding his:

• Aims
• Goals
• Morals
• Ethics
• Values
• Opinions on marriage
• Kids

All aligned with my own.

It may be worth noting that in my community arranged marriages are quite common so I was lucky in that regard.

So he really came around once I stopped even bothering with candidates anymore.

Anyway.

A date was set for the wedding.

Yup. Really that easy!

Anyway

The date was set and arrangements were being made for the details of the wedding.

Great.

This gave me plenty of mental space to come to terms with everything. And be okay with it.

I had a very small wedding, no strangers!

My closest people were with me and it was not crowded or packed with people so I was as comfortable as I possibly could be.

Preparing for the Move-In

Adjusting to living together was a big step.

I had lived with strangers before, but I kept myself to myself really and only interacted when very necessary.

This would be different.

I would share my bedroom and personal space. My privacy would be gone and I would need to half everything.

As well as be somewhat responsible for another person. As he would be for me.

We decided to move in a few months after the wedding, giving me time to mentally prepare for the change.

Sharing a space and compromising on privacy wasn’t new to me, but this time, it felt more profound.

It wasn’t just about cohabiting; it was about building a life together.

During those months, we continued to strengthen our bond through regular communication. That gradual buildup made the eventual move-in smoother than I had anticipated.

Of course, it still came with challenges, like getting used to different routines, sharing decision making, and adapting to new noise levels.

But by then, we had established a strong foundation, so we navigated these challenges together.

We were speaking daily developing a relationship and the more I got to know him the more I knew it was right and I would be okay.

Also I stopped minding everything that came with moving in together and I stopped having anxiety about the future.

For the most part.

So, I began to fall in love basically.

Defining Love While on the Spectrum

Can love really be defined?

I’m not entirely sure, even now.

What I do know is how it feels for me.

I knew I loved my husband when his absence felt too significant, when I found myself losing sleep if he was not next to me, and when his worries became my worries.

Our bond grew deeper through shared moments, mutual support, and inside jokes that no one else would get.

For someone on the spectrum, clear verbal expressions help.

I have asked him to say “I love you” more often because I sometimes struggle to interpret actions as emotions.

He understands this need and finds ways to show love in simple, thoughtful gestures

I have come to learn that is his way of expressing his love for me.

There have also been countless of times when he has stuck up for me and stuck by me when it has come to family trying to overstep their bounds within our marriage.

If I let him know driving gives me anxiety and I refuse to do it, despite having a license. He goes out of his way to make sure I am still good transportation wise.

So he will get someone else will drive and will make sure it is a trusted person whom I am comfortable with, to transport me.

Even when this makes his day a little more difficult.

He goes out of his way to accommodate me, such as arranging trusted transportation when my anxiety prevents me from driving. It is in these moments I feel loved and reassured.

I know that

• I want him in my life forever.
• And I miss him greatly when he isn’t around.
• I also cannot sleep properly if he isn’t in bed next to me
• And when he is sad, I also become sad
• His stresses become my stresses
• And I worry the same as his worries
• I enjoy his company
• And the intimacy
• He is also my best friend
• I enjoy doing things for him

Is that Love?

Probably! Most likely!

I also do not mind having children with him and look forward to it. Because, I truly believe he would be a great dad.

Yes, we fight and have issues. Like every other couple. But we always come back together in the end.

I have been married while having autism for 8 years this year and I have no intention of changing that so far.

Intimacy and being Married while Having Autism

In the beginning of our marriage it was a little awkward. Well a lot.

Even though I had been mentally preparing for it.

To have someone in your space like that, is only something people with Autism can get comfortable with overtime.

We did figure it out some stuff quite quickly.

Both of us absolutely agree on no PDA anywhere. At all. Including hugs.

We do not hold hands either because you know. Sweaty palms and all.

As an Autistic person it is very difficult to allow anyone to touch me.

If the person is a trusted and long time friend then touch is not as difficult for me of course. But, if it is a touch from a stranger then even a simple shoulder brush will have me feeling like I have an itchy shoulder for several hours after the incident finished.

Honestly, even sitting next to a stranger is uncomfortable for me. The only people I tolerate is long term friends and family.

The thing is.  You do not have to get intimate immediately. You can take your time to allow the person to become your best friend first.

Things will naturally progress from there.

Intimacy took time. The idea of physical closeness was initially daunting despite months of mental preparation.

It is okay to take things slowly, letting intimacy develop as comfort and trust deepen.

Fights when you are married while having Autism

Fighting Fair and Picking Battles

Getting married while having autism or not having autism, comes with its fair share of disagreements.

Our first major fight happened two years in, and while I do not remember the exact cause, I remember it felt big.

Miscommunication is often at the root of our arguments.

My husband sometimes fails to see the connection between my seemingly random statements and the topic at hand, leading me to over explain. This can be frustrating for both of us.

Autism sometimes means focusing on details others overlook, which can lead to unnecessary conflicts.

Over time, I have learned to pick my battles, letting go of minor issues that do not truly matter.

Thankfully, my husband does the same, and we strive to keep our disagreements constructive rather than destructive.

Pick your battles.

People with Autism tend to focus on little details without seeing the whole picture.

I highly recommend for anyone getting married while having autism, to really LET THE LITTLE THINGS GO.

Train your mind to not fixate on the non important details. We think all details are important but I really need to think about whether it is truly important or not.

Sometimes it takes a simple apology after some self reflection and then its fine again.

Make sure your partner is able to let the little things go also. Because nothing is worse than having something from a long time ago held against you.

Common Challenges I Face being Married While Having Autism

Getting married while having autism brings unique dynamics into a relationship that can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

My husband and I have learned a lot through our journey, and while we have had our share of arguments, we have found ways to adapt and improve our communication.

Here is a look into what it is like to navigate marriage with autism and the common sources of conflict we face.

1. Lack of Specificity in Communication

One of the biggest challenges in getting married while having autism is that the way we process information often requires precision.

General statements and vague directions can easily lead to frustration.

For example, if my husband asks for something to write with and I hand him a pencil when he wanted a pen, it can spark a misunderstanding.

This might seem trivial, but for someone with autism, clarity is crucial.

When you are getting married while having autism, make sure communication is detailed.

If my husband says, “Can you grab me something to write with?” and I bring him a pencil instead of a pen, he might feel misunderstood.

But from my perspective, I gave him what he asked for. The lesson? Precision matters. Saying, “Could you bring me the blue pen on the right side of the desk in the office room?” removes ambiguity and avoids potential tension.

2. Connecting the Dots in Conversations

Getting married while having autism can mean that conversations do not always unfold in a typical way.

Sometimes, while we are discussing a topic, I will contribute what seems to me like a logical addition, but to my husband, it sounds completely unrelated.

In my mind, there is a clear connection; it makes perfect sense! But to him, it might seem like I have jumped to a new topic.

This leads to me explaining myself in painstaking detail, even though I feel the link should have been obvious.

When getting married while having autism, partners need to practice patience and learn to navigate these moments.

Explaining the thought process behind seemingly unrelated statements is essential, and over time, both partners can learn to appreciate the different ways their minds work.

3. Specificity with Time

Another common issue in getting married while having autism is dealing with time related specifics.

For me, vague timelines or spontaneous plans can be incredibly stressful.

When my husband says, “Let’s do it in the evening,” I immediately wonder, “What time exactly?” Approximate times and last minute changes can feel chaotic and frustrating.

I thrive on structured plans, so when things don’t follow a set schedule, anxiety can kick in.

If you are getting married while having autism, make sure both partners understand each other’s needs when it comes to planning.

To avoid unnecessary stress, it is important to agree on clear times and stick to them.

And punctuality is non-negotiable. Being late, even a little, can be a significant trigger for frustration.

4. Misinterpretation of Actions and Words

Getting married while having autism also means that we can sometimes misinterpret social cues and intentions.

We may live in our own familiar bubble, where interactions and meanings are understood in a specific way.

But when stepping out of that comfort zone, things can easily be misread.

My husband might say something that, to him, seems neutral, but I interpret it as rude or dismissive.

In these moments, a gentle explanation goes a long way.

If you are getting married while having autism or if you are someone getting married to someone with autism, make sure to communicate any misunderstandings calmly and clearly.

Saying, “I didn’t mean it that way, here’s what I intended,” can prevent hurt feelings and future conflicts.

5. Practicing Patience

Getting married while having autism can add layers to the already complex nature of relationships.

Men and women often come with differences in communication styles, mindsets, and upbringing.

When you add autism to the mix, you get a unique blend that requires patience and understanding.

In any marriage, learning to pick your battles is important. But when getting married while having autism, it is crucial.

Autistic individuals often focus on small details, which can seem insignificant to others. The challenge is to train your mind to recognize when those details truly matter and when it is okay to let them go.

This skill can help both partners avoid unnecessary arguments and foster a more harmonious relationship.

REMEMBER when getting Married while having Autism

What can you offer being when getting married while having Autism?

When it comes to getting married while having autism, it is important to consider what you truly bring to the table.

Marriage, whether neurotypical or not, is about connection, commitment, and nurturing a partnership.

But when you’re getting married while having autism, certain aspects of what you offer to a relationship become even more significant. Looks alone are not enough.

Sure, appearances matter initially, but over time, they fade.

What really holds a marriage together is who you are authenticity, your willingness to support and be there for your partner, and the unique perspective you bring.

When you are getting married while having autism, your focus might be sharper on practical, genuine qualities that can strengthen a lifelong partnership.

The whole “independent person who doesn’t need anyone” attitude may be glorified in some parts of society, but if you are aiming for success in getting married while having autism, it can become a barrier.

Yes, independence is great, and personal strength is important.

However, in a marriage, showing that you need your partner is essential.

No one wants to feel useless or unneeded, especially when that person is your spouse.

I hope you enjoyed my post on the best way to get married while having autism and take some time to really think about what I have written.

Like I stated above, I have been married while having autism for almost 8 years now and we have 3 children who stand by our side.

This method of getting married while having autism worked wonders for me! I hope that whatever method you chose for yourself works just as well as my experiences.

I have written a post on being pregnancy and being autistic also and how I dealt with that. You can read that post here