10 Simple ways to reduce autistic sibling rivalry

I am an autistic mother, with a 2 year old non autistic child who has an older autistic sibling who is almost 4.

Let me be honest and say that I struggle sometimes!

I really do.

It isn’t easy to have multiple children very close in age but it is even more difficult when one of them is autistic.

I try my best to treat them equally and divide my time equally among them. As well as trying to spend time together as a family in order to increase our bond, but especially between them.

I admit that I needed help in how to best manage this.

I knew it would be hard for me to reduce rivalry between them and so I asked for outside help.

My concerns were shared with my autistic child’s therapist. The things I was the most worried about were:

Giving unequal attention: The non-autistic sibling might possibly feel that their autistic sibling gets more attention from me due to their special needs. I did not want them to feel overlooked or less valued.
Differences in rules: More specifically, I find myself to have more flexibility in challenging behavior that comes from my autistic child. Their non-autistic sibling might see this as unfair, leading to them having rivalry or frustration towards their autistic sibling.
Social challenges: Our non-autistic sibling struggles sometimes to understand their autistic sibling’s social difficulties. And this makes it difficult to engage both of them in group play. It also really upsets my autistic child to see their sibling play in a group setting when they themselves can not.
Difficulty sharing me time: I worry that their non-autistic sibling might find it hard to get one-on-one time with their parents because the autistic sibling requires more attention or care. This has led to some cases of jealousy between them.
Lack of mutual understanding: The non-autistic sibling may have difficulty understanding the unique needs or behaviors of their autistic sibling. That sometimes leads to frustrations because they might see it as attention seeking behaviour when it really isn’t.

While some sibling rivalry is normal and can never be fully gotten rid off, it is important that it does not take up all of your children’s time with each other. If it only happens sometimes and for the most part, the sibling get along, then it is just a natural dynamic between siblings.

However, if their rivalry is constant and feels like it happens all the time, then it is a problem and needs a solution.

These rivalry issues can be managed with open communication, supporting each child individually and finding ways to balance attention and care between both the non-autistic sibling and the autistic sibling.

I am both my children’s safe space. They always come to me to fix all their problems.

This means that whenever they are:

Hurt
Upset
Scared
Anxious
Hungry
Thirsty
Tired
Want to go out
Or use the bathroom

I am the go-to parent.

These are some of the scenarios that I found to be the most challenging!

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When the both siblings want attention for play

My Autistic child can get quite jealous and hates that their younger non autistic sibling also gets hugs, kisses and cuddles.

To be honest I ignore this and hug and kiss my non autistic child anyway.

Also when the non autistic sibling wants to play and have one on one time with me, their older autistic sibling does not like this and will try to get involved in the play or take the toys away.

It is really important to be fair and firm. Even though you might feel bad for telling the other sibling that their sibling is also your child and you love them too.

How I decided to combat this

There are days when the siblings get split between my husband and me. We take one each and give them the whole day.

We then alternate the next time we get the opportunity to do this again. The same goes for their after school activities. We usually take turns in bringing them.

This way, our children get plenty of one on one time with us.

When the siblings are together with me we try to not do individual one on one time, but we try to play together as a group.

However, if they are really not interested in playing as a group or together with each other and one brings me to play with them, it is okay and not a problem as long as the other sibling doesn’t mind doing their own thing.

If they mind and also want some one on one time with me then I just bring their separate toys to the communal table in the living room where there is plenty of space to play.

I will lay out both their games and alternate between each sibling.

So I will play for a few minutes with one sibling and their toy, and then a little bit with the other sibling and their toys.

2. When they’re both hurt – (non-Autistic and Autistic sibling)

When they’re both crying, upset, hurt and want affection and attention.

Who do I go to first?

How do I comfort them both at the same time when they cannot touch?. (Autistic child does not allow their sibling to touch them)

I cannot hug them both at the same time.

So what do I do?

As unfair as it seems. I assess the situation and look at who is physically hurt the most or who needs a plaster etc and I go to hug them first.

While talking to the other sibling letting them know its okay.

Once I have done that, I redo the whole situation with the other child.

And then, I let the other child know that their sibling needs a plaster and so I must go to get it.

I really do try to give them my full attention. And even though I try my best. It isn’t always possible.

3. When They’re both sick and want me all to themselves

Ohh, this.

Good Lord, This.

This one is hard.

However, when they’re both sick I usually lay down in bed with both of them on each side.

The best thing you can do in this situation, when you have a sick autistic sibling with their sick non autistic sibling is to appease them both.

In my opinion, it is better to try to eliminate their aggravations then to try to discipline.

Of course, I will be absolutely exhausted during the day because of vomit clean-up, temperature checks, bed sheets changes from accidents etc and so we may all just nap together.

I make them each their favourite meals to try to get them to at least eat something for energy and try to keep them Hydrated!

If they really are clashing at home, I take them outside for a short walk. Some fresh air and a change of environment is usually the absolute best distraction to a crazy destructive autistic/non autistic sibling rivalry.

I also do my best to limit screen time so as to not cause heavier headaches for them and to just have a slower day without too much stimuli.

4. When One of them is sick

It is actually a little easier if only one of the siblings is sick, because it usually means that they at least go down for a nap.

Which gives me some one on one time with the other kid.

Sometimes, when it is necessary, whether it is the autistic sibling or the non autistic sibling is really sick I will hold them and carry them around the house.

If the situation really calls for it, I will allow the other sibling to have some screen time whilst I deal with the sick sibling.

I really do not advocate for screen time for children, however sometimes it is necessary. Especially since my husband is at work and so I am on my own.

5. Teaching and homework times

Because I have two children and one of them has autism, teaching them and helping with homework isn’t always straight forward.

They’re also not the same age which means that I need to be teaching them 2 different materials.

My autistic child, is able to sit still and also likes to learn.

My non Autistic child has no interest in academics and does not want to sit still even for a few minutes.

This means running around after the non autistic sibling, while having to come back to the autistic sibling hoping that they have not lost their attention span from all the running around.

I have both kids sit around the dining table with their own materials and I go from kid to kid trying to help them.

Thing is, the younger non autistic child, is still too young to do any independent work and so needs me by their side to keep teaching them.

My older Autistic child, is able to somewhat do some work on their own. However, they do not want to. They do not like to and so keeps calling on me to go to them and do work with them.

I try my best to alternate between them. Nothing more I can do than that, right?

6. Shopping with both the autistic and non autistic sibling

Going shopping with two kids is not easy.

Especially when one of those kids has autism. Who has a lot of rituals and routines.

The thing is, the younger non autistic sibling, copies their older autistic sibling and decides that they also want to keep to a routine and begin keeping their own set of rituals.

SO, while we are at the store, my Autistic child gets a basket and their non autistic sibling gets a trolley.

If I buy one thing of something it is always a competition about whether it goes in the basket or in the trolley.

Usually I take turns, have to buy an even amount of shopping items and split them equally between the trolley and the basket.

We also have some sibling rivalry when they decide to bang the trolley and the basket together. I tell them off when they do this but I am not sure how to solve it, other than warning them that we will abandon all shopping and just go home without buying anything.

7. Routines and Preferences of each of the kids

When my Autistic child was old enough to have a proper routine I made one for them. (Routine for waking up and going to sleep etc)

And when my non Autistic child was old enough I immediately incorporated them into the routine to get both siblings on the same page.

When it came to their routines I made sure they were in sync.

This honestly prevents them from racing against each other or fighting to see who gets to do what first.

Their preferences can be different in according to toothpaste or clothing or whatever, but they are done at the same time. (They both have different flavours of toothpaste)

8. When one Sibling wants to go out but the other wants to stay in.

This one is a tough one.

My younger non autistic child loves going out and wants to go out all the time.

My older autistic child always wants to stay at home. Always.

It makes for a difficult conversation on the Saturdays and Sundays when we all want to go out for family time.

Usually, it takes some bribing and some convincing towards my autistic child. But eventually we can get them to agree to go out with us.

The reason why we do this, is because they thoroughly enjoy themselves once we are out and requests to do the activities again and again on other days.

However, if my autistic child asks to go home during the outing, we split up and I usually bring the autistic sibling home while my husband spends time with the non autistic sibling outside.

Also, if my autistic child really insists on staying at home and we can see that they do not want to go out, I simply stay at home with them. That way their sibling will not see their autistic sibling as a hindrance to their fun time. And the autistic sibling will not feel resentment towards their sibling for forcing them to do activities that they do not want to do.

9. Meal preferences during mealtimes

It is very difficult to keep up making 2 separate meals every single meal time.

Especially with the autistic sibling does it get very challenging because my autistic child does not eat meat, chicken, fish, hard foods, mixed foods, mixed colours etc.

We have decided to begin food therapy with my autistic child, in order to try to get them to eat a variety of foods.

I do not want anyone to be missing important nutrition. The non autistic sibling would also struggle to get their nutrition and experience different foods as a result.

So while I am now cooking 2 separate meal options, we are slowly working to incorporate it into one meal eventually through food therapy.

If you are interested in which food therapy I am doing with my autistic child, you can read more about that here..

10. Fighting

Yeah. This happens all the time.

So I will post an Article sometime soon, where I will post therapy techniques regarding aggressive Autistic children and how to reduce or remove their aggression towards others or even themselves.

(Edit: I did it, and here it is)

My two kids tease and fight a lot. When I say fight though, I really mean arguing. Usually it is teasing each other and then progressing to arguing.

They have their own sets of toys that they stake their claim on. That their sibling is not allowed to touch. However, sometimes, just to rile each other up, they touch it on purpose.

What I did to try to combat this

I have introduced a reward chart and a good behaviour chart and a model behaviour chart.

I use them all. And they really work.

Of course kids will be kids and they will fight and argue and tease. But the best thing I can do is try to reduce it to as little as possible.

But as soon as they co operate and play with each other nicely, they get a sticker and once the chart is completed, they get a reward.