How your autistic child loves You: Understanding the ways they show affection
Whether it is expressing love through:
- Grand gestures,
- Words of affirmation, or
- Physical closeness
These things are basic and common sense for most average people and through those, it is normally how most people express their love.
For many children, like my middle child, the way they express their love is straightforward: hugs, kisses, and with “I love you”. It is very direct and in my face.
But for autistic children, like my eldest, these expressions can be a little harder to express because they might not have the most conventional forms of communication.
And even if my autistic child understands that they love me, they might not understand that most people would like to hear that they are loved or showed that they are appreciated.
It doesn’t mean that love isn’t there. It just means we need to learn to recognize it in the different ways our autistic children show it to us.
A little bit about me
I have autism. And my child has autism. So I know a thing or two about how an autistic child loves.
As an autistic adult raising an autistic child, I’ve spent years observing and understanding how our children express their love.
I’ve kept records of behaviors, studied patterns, and tried to learn from my child just as much as they learn from me.
Along the way, I’ve discovered countless ways in which autistic children communicate their affection, even if it doesn’t look like what we’re used to.
According to “Autism Spectrum Disorder: The Ultimate Teen Guide” by Francis Tabone, these traits are part of what defines autism, but they can vary greatly from person to person, making each individual’s experience unique.
Since the autism diagnosis of my child, I have been documenting and keeping records of their behaviour. Trying to learn from it and also trying to help my child with whatever they find difficult.
This began with me documenting what signs of autism my child was showing and at what age!
You can read those posts here,
- Signs of Autism in children from 0-18 Months
- Or in children from 18-30 Months
- And from the ages of 3-4 years old
I also know that it is extremely hard to express yourself as an autistic child in the common way such as using words or physical affection. For further understanding of this please read, ‘A Practical Guide to Autism: What Every Parent, Family Member, and Teacher Needs to Know’.
Because of this some parents feel that their autistic children are distanced from them and that they do not have a deep emotional connection.
Autistic children, just like neurotypical children, feel deep connections and love for the people who care for them.
The difference is in how they show it.
Autism affects communication and social interaction, making it hard for some autistic children to express love through words or touch.
Yet, rest assured, your autistic child loves you more than you can imagine, even if they struggle to show it in the “normal” ways.
Here’s a compilation of all the ways my autistic child loves me and probably how yours shows you too.
1. Seeking comfort from you. Your autistic child loves you.
- If they get hurt or they feel pain.
- Or get pushed.
- Maybe they feel anxiety.
- Or they break down.
- Or they find or see something which causes them stress.
And they come to you for comfort. Even if it’s not physical comfort the closeness to you makes them feel better.
One of the most telling signs of love is when your autistic child comes to you during moments of distress.
Whether they’ve been hurt, feel anxious, or are simply overwhelmed, if they seek your comfort, it’s a significant indicator that your autistic child loves you.
Autistic children may not always verbalize their feelings, but they instinctively seek out the people they trust the most.
They may not ask for a hug or even make eye contact, but their presence near you, their attempt to be close during a meltdown, or simply seeking your company is their way of saying, “I love you, and I feel safe with you.”
2. Random Hugs or Kisses. Yup, your autistic child loves you
My autistic child comes running to me randomly and stops a few steps in front of me. Then they turn to their side.
It is basically my autistic childs way of asking for hugs and kisses.
At this point I give hugs and kisses and my kid runs off to play again.
It’s a brief exchange, but they are letting me know that they feel safe enough to break through their discomfort and show affection.
These moments, although fleeting, are filled with a deep sense of love and trust.
So. If your kid randomly gives you a kiss.
Or randomly gives you a hug.
Your autistic child loves you more than anything else. YES! Even their toys.
Physical affection can be extremely hard for many autistic children, because they might be sensitive to touch or feel uncomfortable with close contact.
That’s why, when your child voluntarily does these things, even for a brief moment, it’s a profound expression of love.
3. Sharing Their Treasures with You
If your kid brings you their prized possessions to share with you or to have you open packages etc. They trust you and want to share what they love with you. So, your autistic child loves you.
Autistic children can form deep attachments to certain objects (their prized possessions) or toys, and when they bring these items to you, it’s a sign of immense trust.
Whether it’s asking you to open their favorite snack or showing you their beloved toy, your autistic child loves something and is sharing that something precious with you because you are important in their life.
In my home, my child often brings me puzzles to undo so they can solve them again, or asks me to help build train tracks.
Even with others around, they choose me. Because I’m their safe person, the one they trust most.
Every time they share these moments, I know my autistic child loves me deeply.
4. Turning to You When They’re Sick or Uncomfortable
This is because autistic children struggle with being vulnerable and often mask their discomfort from others and when they are outside of their safe zone.
Your autistic child loves you if they expose their emotions when they are vulnerable or weak to you.. And they want you to make them feel comfortable/better. Your autistic child loves you and they trust you the most.
If your child does this:
- Your child sees you as their safe person.
- Needs you to feel better and not anyone else.
- And understands you won’t hurt them and you are their safe space.
Autistic children and autistic adults struggle to form connections with anyone.
But like your typical person, they still need human interaction. And also suffer from loneliness sometimes.
When an autistic child or adult fills their ‘lonely’ time with another person. This person is usually chosen very carefully.
If that person who has been carefully chosen is you. Go on top of a hill, and sing to your hearts content. Because your autistic child loves you!
5.Staying physically close during new or unfamiliar situations
An autistic child loves you if they stick to you for comfort and familiarity. This is because they feel protected whenever you are with them:
- From possible danger.
- From others.
- Uncomfortable situations.
- New places.
- From things they do not understand
Anything new can be very overwhelming for autistic children (and autistic adults), as social interactions can become confusing or stressful.
They look to you for guidance and for comfort when they stick by you.
When they watch how you do things or how you respond.
They trust you to do what is right and they trust that they can be kept safe with you.
6. If your child comes to you whenever there are strangers around.
Your child. If they do this. Absolutely trust you to keep them out of danger.
When your child sticks close to you around people they don’t know, they’re telling you, in their way, that they trust you to protect them.
They believe that being near you will keep them safe from the discomfort or potential danger.
When your autistic child unconditionally gravitates towards you your autistic child loves you an that is exactly what they are telling you.
7. Coming to you for help even when others are around. Your autistic child loves you!
When your child asks you for help with tasks, whether that’s water, food, toys, going outside, helping getting dressed, whatever it is.
They want it from you. They want that help from the person they (your autistic child) loves the most.
Autistic children, especially those who may be less verbal, like my autistic child, often have a their own special way of communicating. And my autistic child tends to stick with people who understand them the best.
If your child comes to you for help, even in the presence of others, it means you’re the person they trust the most to meet their needs.
My autistic child is like this. Unless it is myself or their father or other family members they don’t bother with conversation or asking for help. This includes their kindergarten teachers.
It is the biggest compliment they can give you in the whole world. And it means they Your autistic child loves you.
8. Looking to you for guidance
Even if it is a little look or a full-blown stare. And they look to you if something new is happening.
If something unexpected happens and they look at you or stare at you or try to get your attention. Even if they try to get your attention silently, it still counts.
When your child wants confirmation from you that the environment is safe. Or that what is happening is okay.
Autistic children are really eager observers, and they often learn from watching others and memorising other peoples reactions. My autistic child is especially like this.
If your child looks to you during moments of uncertainty, they are not only showing trust, your autistic child loves you and want to learn from you and be like you.
9. Wanting to be near you all the time. Your autistic child LOVES you
Your autistic child loves you and want to be around you all the time. Even if they don’t speak or play with you directly.
Does your child follow you from room to room or check to see where you are, even when they’re fully engaged in their play?
This is another sign your autistic child loves you.
For autistic children, being close to a trusted person often equals safety and comfort.
10. Choosing to play with you.
Playtime can be sacred for an autistic child. Especially if they’re engaged in a preferred activity like solving puzzles or reading a favorite book.
If your autistic child loves you, they will choose to share these moments with you. They’re showing that they want to include you, in what makes them their happiest.
My kid brings me their puzzles and asks me to undo their puzzles so they can redo it. My autistic child LOVES puzzles.
My autistic child also loves reading books with me, even though they’ve memorized the entire text.
We’ll read the same book over and over, up to 37 or 38 times in a single day.
It may seem repetitive, but it’s my child’s way of sharing joy with me.
The act of inviting me into their world, into their happiest moments, is one of the most sincere ways my autistic child love me and shows me that they love me.
Point to note,
Now. I know it’s because my autistic child loves me and wants to spend time with me.
And I know it’s because they enjoy it so much.
They lack the social skills to understand that not everything they like is automatically liked by everyone else around them.
They want to share their joy.
It’s fun to read the same book the first few times, but then it isn’t anymore.
EHH, What we do for the ones we love…. So I will keep smiling….. and keep reading….
If it gets too much, ask them to do something else with you and make sure to give them one or two options!
11. Sharing their achievements with you
If your autistic child loves you they will take your hand or ask you to follow them and bring you to something they are proud off, or have done/made.
- Like a drawing
- A completed puzzle
- A pee/poo in the toilet
- Getting dressed without help
Whether it’s completing a puzzle, drawing a picture, or even using the toilet, when your autistic child proudly shows you what they’ve accomplished, they’re sharing their world with you.
They want your approval and praise because they value your opinion.
No one asks an opinion of someone they do not care about and so this is a very sure sign that your autistic child loves you.
Every time my child brings me a completed puzzle or a drawing, it’s their way of saying, “Look what I did! I want you to be proud of me.”
This simple act is another form of connection, an invitation into their achievements, and a strong signal that your autistic child loves and care about your opinion.
Remember to Give lots of praise. Give lots of compliments and encouragement.
The Importance of Patience and Understanding
It’s essential to remember that autistic children may struggle to express emotions, not because they lack those emotions, but because their communication style is different.
Your autistic child loves you, even if they cannot say “I love you” verbally or doesn’t enjoy physical affection. It does not mean they do not love you.
Understanding how your autistic child loves you requires patience, observation, and a willingness to look into the subtle, unique ways they communicate.
Just bear in mind that sometimes an autistic child is also struggling to understand how they themselves are feeling and so might not be able to express themselves too well.
By learning to recognize the micro clues your autistic child gives you, you can see the depth of your autistic child’s love in the way they seek comfort from you, share their joys with you, and trust you to guide them through theirs unpredictable, always changing world.
Just remember to keep telling your autistic child you love them. Verbally express it to them, especially if they struggle with physical touch. Let them know that you are there for them and show them that you understand them.
Please do not force affection onto your autistic child and let them take their time in understanding how they best feel comfortable in expressing their affections to you and to others who are close to them.
Some autistic children take much longer than others, and what might be basic for you, is not necessarily basic for them.