How to Teach an Autistic Child to Stand Up for Themselves: My Ongoing Journey
Alright, parents, today I want to talk about something very close to my heart: teaching my non-confident autistic child to stand up for themselves. I’m currently in the middle of this, and it’s been quite a journey.
My autistic child is often quiet and docile, especially when another child does something not very nice to them.
For example:
When another kid:
- Pushes them
- Holds them down.
- Pulls their hair.
- Takes toys away from them.
- Pinches them
These situations where my autistic child becomes too docile can get quite intense, and I truly worry about my kid being an easy target for bullying at school.
They don’t always know how to express their feelings or even recognize that what’s happening isn’t okay. It breaks my heart when they just stand there, sad and still, instead of knowing how to stand up for themselves.
Understanding the Need for Confidence
Many autistic children, like my own, struggle with self-confidence. They might feel confused, shocked, or overwhelmed when someone is unkind to them.
That’s why it’s so important to teach them how to stand up for themselves, both in the moment and afterward. A great resource that has helped me is a book called ‘Self confidence for Autistic Teens’. It offers practical strategies to help autistic kids build confidence and self-advocacy skills.
I want to teach my autistic child to have more confidence because I want them to be able to stand up for themselves by:
- Being able to set clear boundaries
I want my autistic child to have the confidence to say “no” or “stop,” assert their personal space, and ask for help from others when necessary.
- Handling Social Situations
Difficult social situations can be very challenging for both autistic children and autistic adults. Most autistic people, including my child and myself struggle with understanding social cues, body language, or communication norms.
Confidence in handling social situations helps my autistic child to engage more openly with others and have much better skills in conflict resolution, without shutting down or becoming too over stimulated.
- Reducing the Risk of Bullying
Autistic children who lack confidence might become easy targets for bullying, as bullies often look for those who are less likely to defend themselves.
I was bullied as a child and I was very timid. I do not want my autistic child to go through the same thing!
When autistic children feel confident, they are more likely to stand up to bullies or seek help when needed, reducing their vulnerability.
Now, I’m not a psychologist or a doctor, but I’m a parent who’s learning, just like many of you.
My Own Struggles
I have been working with my child on this journey.
I have realized how much I relate to their struggles.
I’m autistic too, and I’ve dealt with the same challenges when it comes to standing up for myself. Social situations can be overwhelming for me, and I often freeze when confronted with conflict.
I would also much rather choose “flight” than “fight” because it is much less confrontational and because going into “fight” mode is so far out of my comfort zone, it might as well be on Mars.
Watching my child go through the same things I went through is incredibly hard.
I feel their pain because I’ve been there.
But I’m determined to help them build the confidence to stand up for themselves, even if it’s a skill I’m still working on myself.
In many ways, teaching my child to stand up for themselves has also been a learning experience for me.
It’s forced me to face my own struggles with confidence and self-advocacy, and I hope that together, we can grow stronger.
What situation led me to this?
Recently, I witnessed my autistic child get bullied. This had never happened before and to be honest I was way out of my element in knowing how to deal with it.
I did what I could, I removed my child from the situation and protected them and kept them near me.
But, it really opened my eyes to just how mean some children can be. And how bad bullying can get!
You can read more about this story here
And it also opened my eyes to let me know exactly what could happen to my autistic child if they do not learn how to defend themselves or stand up for themselves or even learn how to deal with those difficult situations.
It also made it really clear to me that my child needs to understand boundaries and how important it is to be nice to others.
Operation: Stand Up for Themselves
When I realized my child was struggling to stand up for themselves, I knew I needed to take action.
So, I’m here to share what I have been doing to help my child develop the confidence to stand up for themselves. I have been working with therapists and specialists, and while things aren’t perfect yet, we’ve made progress.
I worked with a therapist to create a plan, which includes a good behavior chart, simple instructions, and clear expectations. This plan can be helpful not only for autistic children but for any child who needs help building confidence.
Beginning operation ‘Stand up for themselves’ therapy
I tried to start as soon as I could and as soon as I had all the materials ready.
- Reward chart
- Simple 2-step or 3-Step instructions on responses
- Good behaviour chart
The Reward Chart
There is a difference between the reward chart and the good behaviour chart.
The reward chart is to praise good behaviour when your autistic child decides to share or give something of theirs to another kid. It can also be used for when your child shows empathy towards someone else.
Anything they do out of kindness really should absolutely be rewarded.
Kindness is not weakness!
Let them be confident enough to show and give kindness.
Every time they do, reward them with verbal praise and a sticker.
Simple 2-step or 3-Step instructions
- – Say no
- – Tell an adult
- – Push back
etc
The Good Behaviour chart
This is a sign we have hung up in my child’s room that they see and look at everyday.
It has simple pictures of what behaviour is ‘nice’ and what behaviour is ‘bad’.
Examples of the pictures of good behaviour that we have are:
- Helping someone
- Sharing
- Playing nicely together
- Including everybody in the group
And examples of the pictures of bad behaviour are:
- Hurting someone
- Laughing at someone
- Snatching things away from someone
How I am teaching my Autistic child to stand up for themselves!
Step 1: Teach Clear Boundaries
The first step in helping my autistic child stand up for themselves was teaching them clear boundaries. I explained what behaviors are not okay and made sure they understood that they have the right to say “no” when someone crosses those boundaries.
Let your Autistic child know that they are not allowed to be:
- Pushed
- Pulled
- Tugged
- Hit
- Kicked
- Slapped
etc
When I would see something that was happening to my autistic child that they did not like or that made them sad or even uncomfortable. And required them to stand up for themselves, I immediately stepped in.
I get down to my autistic child’s level and say, “You are not allowed to be pushed, pulled, hit, or treated in any way that hurts you. If someone does this, it’s wrong, and you need to say: ‘No’, ‘Stop‘ or ‘Its Mine’. and stand up for yourself.”
This was the foundation of our work. It was important to make sure my child understood what was acceptable and what wasn’t, so they could recognize when it was time to stand up for themselves.
Step 2: Practice Saying “No” or “Stop”
Once we established the boundaries of my autistic child, the next step was teaching my child how to say “no” or “stop” or “give it back”, when someone crossed them.
Having a multi kid household is great for this because the other kids also learn what behaviour is acceptable and what behaviour should never be tolerated.
My autistic child has a younger sibling is not aggressive, and so I have had to artificially create situations where they take stuff from their autistic sibling etc.
I let both children know that this is not real and that we are practicing how to react if something real might happen in the future. I then ask my autistic child and my non autistic child to practice saying “no” or “stop”
I started by creating small situations at home where my other children or I would take something from my autistic child, like a toy, and then have my autistic child practice to stand up for themselves.
I’d get down on my child’s level and gently encourage them to say, “No” or “Stop” or “that is mine.”
At first, it was difficult, and they were hesitant, but with practice, they’ve started to gain confidence in using their voice.
I also use a good behavior chart to reward them whenever they successfully stand up for themselves. Every time they say “no” or “stop,” they get a sticker on the chart. Once the chart is full, they get a reward that they really look forward to getting.
Whatever your child loves the most. Let them have it as a reward.
This can take a while. And it is okay if it may be a little bit of time before they actually start to use their words.
Have patience with them.
Step 3: Go Tell an Adult
The next step after saying “no” or “stop” is teaching my child to go tell an adult, like a teacher or me, if the situation doesn’t stop. This part is so important because, let’s be honest, not all kids will listen when asked to stop.
There have been several times when my autistic child has made it clear with ‘no’ and ‘stop’. And the other kid has not stopped or has even become worse.
So, I’ve been teaching my child that if someone doesn’t stop after they’ve spoken up, it’s time to come and tell me or another trusted adult.
This has been tricky because my child tends to freeze in these situations, unsure of what to do next. But I’ve been gently encouraging them to come to me or go to their teacher, even if they don’t know what to say.
I try to prompt my autistic child by asking, “what is wrong?” or “what is the problem?” and wait for the answer patiently.
I try my best to keep my voice calm and I also get down to my kids eyes level and ask them for an explanation of what happened.
I try really hard to be gentle and understanding and encourage them to tell me what is wrong.
Eventually it will come natural to them to tell the other person to stop and then to let you know about it afterwards also.
However!
Step 4: Encouraging Independence
The reason why I want them to not come to me immediately and try to sort it out on their own by telling the other person to “stop” and to learn how to say “no” is for them to gain confidence and learn that they can do it themselves, if I am not around to be their momma bear.
While I want my child to come to me when something’s wrong, I also want them to learn how to stand up for themselves without needing help all the time.
I am really trying my best to strike a balance between encouraging independence and offering support.
Ideally, I want my child to say “no” or “stop” first and see if that resolves the issue.
Only if it doesn’t should they come to me or another adult. This way, they learn that they are capable of standing up for themselves and can rely on their own strength.
Step 5: The Role of Self-Defense
For some families, teaching self-defense can be a powerful tool for helping kids stand up for themselves.
It gives all children, autistic or not, the confidence to handle physical situations and helps them feel more in control.
Self-defense also teaches discipline and calmness, which can be valuable in tense situations.
While I haven’t gone down this path yet, it’s something I’m considering as my child grows older. Self-defense could be a helpful way for them to stand up for themselves if they ever feel physically threatened.
Or if the situation gets out of hand after they have already told the other party “no”.
Tell your child to hit back if all else fails.
The Importance of Patience and Practice
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned during this process is the importance of patience.
To stand up for yourself doesn’t come naturally to everyone, especially for kids on the autism spectrum. It takes time, practice, and a lot of encouragement.
There have been moments when I’ve felt frustrated because progress seems slow, but then I remind myself that even small steps forward are worth celebrating.
My child is starting to use their voice more, and while it’s not perfect yet, it’s a huge improvement from where we started.
They have improved to the point where they do say ‘Stop’ and ‘No’ and ‘Get off’.
However, I need them to also come to me and tell me when the other child does not stop. Not just let it go after staying ‘no’ if the child does not listen to them.
The more I will do this the easier and more natural it will become.
I just have to keep reminding myself that having gotten my autistic child to complete step 1 and step 2 is great progress so far.
Final Thoughts
If you’re in a similar situation, teaching your autistic child to stand up for themselves, know that you’re not alone.
It’s a difficult journey, but it’s so worth it.
My advocacy for learning self defense to help stand up for yourself.
I truly believe that all vulnerable children should attend a self defense sport.
These classes are not only about fighting.
One of the main elements of self defense sports is understanding the limits and how far your personal boundaries go. And learning to assert your particular boundaries to those who try to cross them.
Autistic children like mine struggle with expressing discomfort or standing up for themselves, especially if someone is crossing their boundaries.
Self defense classes really repeat the importance of saying “no” or “stop,”.
With patience, practice, and a little bit of guidance, our children can learn to be confident in who they are and stand up for themselves when it matters most.
Remember, building confidence takes time, but each small victory counts. Whether it’s saying “no” for the first time or coming to tell you about something that’s bothering them, every step forward is a success.
Our goal as parents is to help our children find their voices and feel empowered to stand up for themselves, no matter the situation.
And we’ll get there, one step at a time.