As you might be able to tell from this post, I am pregnant.
Yes!
And it is with my third child.
And No! It was not an accidental pregnancy.
Background information
I have two children already. One of whom is on the Autism spectrum and another who is not.
My husband and I love our children to death and decided it was time to add another addition to the house.
This decision did not come lightly. However, it felt right by us and also before finalising the decision we had spoken to our kids about it.
Both of them said they wanted another sibling. One of them wanted a brother and the other wanted a sister, heh.
Time will tell which one we will be having.!
I want to also add that being pregnancy and having 2 children under the age of 5 is also one of the main reasons why I have taken a 2 month break from posting.
My Atypical child is almost 5 and my Typical child is 3 and a half. So being pregnant and having these two already is quite the challenge.
I have been crazy busy!
AND with that 1st trimester, the exhaustion, nausea and just general feeling of death is absolutely NO JOKE.
But here we are. And mind you. I DO NOT mind it at all. I have always wanted a big family and for my children to have plenty of siblings.
Because quite frankly, when I am gone. They will have each other to rely on and to lean on. And they will never be truly alone.
If you have read any of my other posts, you will also know that I have Autism also.
And navigating pregnancy and children and Autism can sometimes also be a very difficult thing to do.
Especially when you are having one of THOSE days!
So if you want to know which tips and tricks I use myself as an Autistic mother, please read my post on that here.
Further Information
This plan to introduce a new baby into your household with other children who are on the spectrum leans more towards a gentle parenting plan.
Actually, there is a fantastic book which also helps guide parents in how to introduce and implement gentle parenting into your house.
This book is called, “Between Parent and Child” and it is written by Dr Haim Ginott.
I have tried to implement a lot of the advice from this book and it works absolutely amazing. With both my Autistic child and with my non Autistic child.
So it is safe to say that this book can also work effectively with Autistic children.
You might even find me referencing Dr. Haim in this article.
Lets begin
Since my Autistic child already has a younger sibling, they have been through this before. Although, granted, they were 1 and a half years old when I gave birth to their sibling.
Autistic children often rely on routines and predictability to feel secure and navigate their daily lives. Routines provide a sense of structure, reduce anxiety, and help them understand and anticipate what will happen next.
But I will tell you exactly what I did and what I am doing to help prepare both my children for what is going to be the biggest change in their current short sweet lives.
I also truly believe that just bringing a baby home from the hospital as a surprise is not a great idea. In particular for Autistic children. The shock WILL be too much.
So try to start preparing to introduce your Autistic child as soon as possible.
Introducing a new baby to an Autistic sibling is an extremely important thing. It is both an Exciting and Nerve wracking milestone in an Autistic childs life. And also in the family’s life as a whole.
If you only have a firstborn and this will be your second child. The transition will be much harder.
Your Autistic child is not used to sharing their parents, space, resources and activities with anyone else.
It’s essential to do this with care and empathy to the members already in that household.
Especially with the Autistic siblings. This is because we want to ensure a positive and loving bond between them.
I am using the same ‘easing into it’ method with both my children. Because I find that the transitional ‘plan’ for my Autistic child was nice and gentle and really eased them into it. And I am certain it will work for my non Autistic child also.
Here are some steps you can follow to introduce a new baby to a sibling:
1. Prepare the sibling in advance:
Before the baby is born, like way before, prepare them for the changes that are to come.
Talk to them about the growth of the baby, read books about new siblings, and involve them in age-appropriate discussions and preparations.
Show your ultrasound scans to your kid(s) and tell them whats going on. Specifically regarding the size of the baby and the progress of their growth.
Let them know that you will love them as much as their baby sibling and that they will be equal.
But, also let them know that they will always be the elder sibling and that they came first. (This will help prevent jealousy)
The Autistic child and any other siblings may have a lot of questions on their mind. Take your time with them and try to answer them in the most honest and proper way that you can.
2. Speak about genders and names
Whatever your beliefs are on this topic, discuss names that you would like the baby to have. And ask for your childs imput in which names they prefer.
Place names in a hat if you arent too fussy on what to call the baby and pick out top 3 names that you love, etc. Just to make it fun
3. Take them with you to appointments, if you can.
Post covid, some places only allow the parents to show up to the appointments. However, if it is possible for you to bring our children to your appointments, do so!.
Of course this also depends on their emotional maturity. But it is a very good way to get your Autistic child to really feel part of the process and as though they are still part of the family unit.
4. Have them help you with the baby shopping/set ups.
Whether this is picking out baby furniture, such as cribs or changing tables etc. Or if it is clothing items.
Make sure to involve the siblings in the shopping which is involved.
Not only because this makes them feel involved and included and seen. But also because it helps them bond with the baby before the baby is even born. BOTH of these are extremely important!
If the kids are old enough, you can even ask them to help with the screws of building the furniture for the new baby.
There are so many ways to involve the Autistic child and any other siblings in the process of having a new baby.
Also, allowing the Autistic child to see these few changes over time also helps them adjust to the changes that are happening in the house. Such as moving around furniture and adding new things into the house.
I cannot express how important this is, specifically for Autistic children who really struggle with changes.
5. Prepare them for the noise and mess.
Many Autistic children have a lot of sensory sensitivities and difficulties with sensory understanding.
Babies cry. A lot. They get colic and gassy. They spit up. And they need to sleep. A LOT!
It is important to mention this BEFORE you or your partner gives birth.
But everyone always appreciate a heads up. Especially Autistic children.
Make sure to provide your Autistic child with noise cancelling headphones and ways to shut out the noise if it becomes too overwhelming for them.
6. Let them know what will happen on the day of birth.
- Are you going to have a home birth?
- Or possibly a c-section?
- Are you or your partner going to have the baby in the hospital?
- How long will you be gone for?
- Where will the sibling(s) be staying?
- Who will be staying with them?
All of these questions are things that you should have an answer prepared for.
I understand that anything can happen. And that sometimes, these things can be very unpredictable.
But if you have a plan, then let your Autistic child know about this plan.
7. Plan a meeting in the hospital (if needed):
If possible, arrange for the sibling(s) to meet the baby at the hospital.
Make sure it’s a calm and quiet environment.
Allow the Autistic sibling to hold the baby, if they want to (with assistance, if necessary) and encourage gentle interaction.
8. Maintain a routine.
Maintaining a routine for an Autistic child is extremely important. Giving an Autistic child consistency, especially in their routine helps them know what to expect and reduces anxiety and stress.
It gives them predictability and makes them comfortable in their environment.
Especially since, when you go outside EVERYTHING is unpredictable. Home is their safe space. And routines help them feel safe.
Basically, try to let them know how things will change and also which things will stay the same.
A consistent routine helps Autistic children feel much more secure. It can also definitely minimize the stress and frustration that comes from unexpected changes. And there will be changes with a new baby.
As long as everything else remains the same, with regards to the Autistic childs already established routine. Then other changes, unrelated to the Autistic child or things that only minorly affecting the Autistic child should not cause deep tantrums. Or any major emotional breakdowns.
If your Autistic child has extracurricular activities that you or your spouse usually take them to. And you have to arrange different forms of transport or a different person will be taking them. Then that is something that you definitely need to let your Autistic child know about and have them be okay with.
9. Encourage gentle interaction.
Encourage the Autistic sibling and all other siblings also to interact with the baby very gently.
Show them how to touch the baby’s feet or stroke their head softly.
Let them know how fragile new born babies are.
Also, an important thing to do is to give the siblings (including the Autistic sibling) age-appropriate tasks and responsibilities.
Let them help out with caring for the new baby. This can include getting diapers, helping with gentle bathing, or singing lullabies to the baby during sleep time.
Make them feel like an important helper. And like they are an essential part of the family still.
Everyone wants to feel wanted and included. This is especially true for Autistic children who struggle to find their place in the world as they are growing up.
Help them, teach them and show them how to play together with the new baby.
Let them help in reading books for the baby (if your child is old enough to know how to read).
Be patient and give them time to develop their relationship naturally.
Dislaimer,
Make sure to absolutely supervise their interactions.
Also, be careful not to parentify the siblings. Autistic children, who follow instructions and are very docile should not become second parents. No child should go through that. But especially Autistic children because it will stress them.
Helping is not the same as taking over. Or feeling like they have no choice.
And absolutely praise them for being gentle and loving and doing a good job.
10. Spend quality time together.
Make a conscious effort to spend one on one time with the other sibling(s) regularly.
Play with them and do activities that they enjoy with them.
Show them that they are of course still loved and valued. This will help minimise any feelings of jealousy or insecurity that they might have around the new baby.
Understand that all siblings might experience jealousy, insecurity, or regression in their progress or behavior.
Always be sure to validate their feelings and reassure them that their place in the family is secure. That they are loved and are very important members of the family.
REMEMBER
Avoid comparisons:
Avoid comparing the siblings or highlighting differences in their behavior.
Each child is different.
Even identical twins are very different from each other.
Acknowledging and recognising their individual strengths will help build their self-esteem and prevent rivalry, bitterness and hate.
And
Remember that every single child and every single family dynamic are different. Try to be flexible and adjust these steps according to your specific circumstances. The key is to provide love, attention, and reassurance to both siblings during this significant life change.