Good Morning, Good Afternoon or Good Evening.
Whichever applies to you, dear reader.
Perfectionism.
Eurgh.
It is a really tough thing to have.
You know what. Let me go on a little rant here.
Perfectionism is almost glamourised now.
With social media and everything else, it is seen as something entirely and ONLY positive.
By far it is NOT an easy thing to live with.
It is like an itch on the brain that you just cannot quite manage to scratch. EVER.
It is commonly linked to OCD. And works in a similar way.
In that it is very difficult to get everything perfect and exactly lined up or in a brilliant sequence.
I have a post that I made previously regarding how to get over OCD. If you are interested in that, you can read it here..
A little Background information
I am an Autistic mother of an Autistic child. I also have a non Autistic child and a husband who has some Autistic traits but who is very doubtfully Autistic.
Growing up with Autism was difficult. Because I received no help or therapy or even any advice of coping tips.
I had severe OCD as well as anxiety and growing up I had to try to find different solutions to it.
Trial and Error.
As soon as my child was diagnosed with Autism years ago, I made it my lifes mission to do my best to try to help them. In any and all ways possible.
That includes professional intervention, therapists and attending sessions with them at least 3 times a week.
I have seen such a big improvement in my child already. Especially when it comes to communicating and being able to express themselves.
As well as this, it is worth noting that my child also has much less social anxiety now.
My child is much happier to go outside and even asks to go outside.
As well as having made friends in school!
So all in all, aside from some tough days, the general wider picture is going well.
HOWEVER
Recently, I have found that my Autistic child is bothered by things if they are not perfect.
It does not matter if I do it, or if any other family members do something.
But, when my Autistic child does something themselves and it is not to the perfection level in their head, they begin to get anxiety attacks.
I am seeing this much more when it comes to writing.
I have begun to start teaching my Autistic child how to write. Because I do not want my child to struggle with it.
I’m absolutely sure and know that my child is ready to learn how to write.
They enjoy the alphabet and know them inside out. Aswell as all the phonics to the letters.
My Autistic child’s teachers will begin to teach my child how to write in school. Yes!
I know this.
But fine motor skills are much harder to grasp for Autistic children. This is because an Autistic brain does not develop fine motor skills by instict. It is something that most definitely have to be taught and learnt.
So, I have started a little earlier than my childs school in teaching them how to write. In order for my child to not struggle in class.
Why is this relevant
Because.
I have noticed more than any other activity, my childs perfectionism really begins to act up whenever they are writing down the letters of the alphabet.
As soon as they begin to write down any letter, my child immediately steps back. And says, “no, no, no, not good”.
They will then begin to panic and cry and move away from the table.
This is every single time that my child writes down a letter of the alphabet.
My child will then refuse to write any more. At all.
The thing is, if the letter does not match to the example that they are supposed to reference. Or if the line does not match up, or my child did not write it the same size as the example.
Then panic ensues.
Unfortunately, I am a perfectionist. My husband is a perfectionist. And now my child is a perfectionist.
I cannot help but wonder that it might be my fault.
Possibly I have done something, that my Autistic child has seen and been aware off that they have copied off me.
Maybe, I said something that lead my child to feel this way.
I don’t know.
But I have done a crazy amount of research on this and it definitely can be genetic. At least partly.
What is Perfectionism
Perfectionism is something that makes a person keep working towards perfection.
However, perfectionism is impossible to achieve.
There is a constant need and concern to get things absolutely right.
A person who suffers from perfectionism has extremely high standards for themselves.
They are constantly self critical and keep finding flaws and faults within themselves.
Research
I have found an amazing book to help your child gain confidence in themselves and also increase the positivity of the general aura of the household. AND make your relationship with your child stronger.
This book is called, ‘Between Parent and Child’, by Dr Haim Ginott.
Throughout all of my research I have compiled a DO and DON’T list that can help anyone with perfectionism feel less anxious about it.
Also it will help allow you or your child to train your thoughts towards accepting some less than perfect options.
And to not keep going in compulsion trying to achieve flawless results.
Anyway here are the things that I found:
DON’T
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Do it for your child
If your child is making something, do not ‘step in’.
For example, if your child is building a tower, do not come and stabilise the tower.
Even if the tower topples over and your child gets frustrated.
Because by you interferring, you are telling them that you know they cannot do it on their own.
And that you are anticipating that it will fall. Because your child has not built it well enough.
Sometimes with these actions, we think that we are helping our children. But it really, really does the opposite.
Other, things that can make someone lean more towards perfectionism, is if your child is spreading something onto their toast and you take it to ‘complete’ it for them.
Or, if you take over from your child doing something because you think that they are making a mess or that they will be making a mess.
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Over correcting
If your child has finished doing something, do not touch it.
Do not give constructive critism after your child has completed a task.
Don’t touch up anything that they have made.
It is important to always know that there are more ways to do something.
There is never only one way of doing something or getting something done.
Remember this.
If your child has another way of doing something, let them do it their way.
Even if it is the ‘wrong’ way.
Your child will figure it out and try to find another way to do it.
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Getting angry
If your child is struggling to get the jist of something. Or if they are taking too long to figure something out.
Do not act bothered.
Don’t huff or puff.
Do not express frustrations or make your child feel like they need to hurry up to understand something.
With you getting angry will also shape your child’s personality to become a people pleaser.
Your child, especially if they are Autistic, will begin to associate their flaws or their perceived flaws with anger.
The thing that your child will become extremely fearful of is making someone angry for making a mistake.
So your child will keep going in order to avoid making a mistake. AND to not make someone else angry at them.
And Autistic children do not have a stop button most of the time. So they will keep going to make something as perfect as possible.
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Being a critic
Do not critisize.
Whatever it is your child is doing, do not put them down for it.
That is exactly what critisizing is.
Putting your child down.
Belittling them for whatever they are doing.
Making them feel ‘less than’.
Other scenarios when you might critisize or make negative commentary could be when your child makes a mess or spills something.
Let this go and just ask that that clean it up themselves, or clean it up with you.
Critisizing, especially to an Autistic can be very harmful to their psyche.
Because, we already feel like we are different.
And sometimes we try to overcompensate with other things.
This overcompensation can easily manifest itself in perfectionism.
Everyone wants to feel accepted.
And everyone wants to be involved.
So when it comes to Autistic children, who do not understand social situations and do not have social skills. Being critisized, increases the need to feel accepted and fit in.
In my mind, personally. It feels like, if I can eliminate one thing to be critisized over, then I can do that if it gets done to a high standard.
Because things that have been made to a very high standard rarely get critism.
Disclaimer.
Constantly critisizing your child will make them become a people pleaser.
And it will lower their self esteem.
Possibly making them feel like nothing they ever do is good enough.
For an Autistic child, this can lead to exploitation. Especially when they get older and become employed.
As much as you can train your self out of this. Please do.
Now we come to the Do’s
DO
- Be patient
Every time your child does a task. Allow them to do it.
If they ask for your help, give them some guidance and some help.
But then after that take a step back.
Even if your Autistic child takes an extremely long time to do something. Be patient with them.
Allow them to take their time.
Give them some extra time to figure something out and be patient with it.
If they take a very long time to smear some butter on their toast. So be it.
Have them start breakfast a little earlier and allow for that extra time.
If your child takes a while getting dressed to go out, start a little earlier. Wake up a little earlier to give them some extra time.
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Allow mistakes
If your child makes a mistake, just inform them that maybe they should try another way.
Tell them that, they have done a good job.
If they do not like it they can also, themselves try to do it over.
It is much better for your child to figure out themselves that they have made a mistake. And to then correct it themselves. Rather than be told that what they have done is wrong and to then correct it.
That is a much better method for them to learn how to solve problems.
Their own ability to recognise an issue, or a potential issue and then solve it themselves, builds character. As well as self reliance and established a kind of independence.
Recognising their own problem, is much better for any child, Autistic or not in order to help them become independent and self reliant adults.
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More than one way to do things
Always inform your child that there can be more than one way to get things done.
And allow them to do things their own way.
Praise them if they start a new method of getting something done.
It is okay to do something differently.
And they should always be encouraged to find different ways of getting something done.
Because one way might be much easier than the last.
But there is only one way to find out.
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Compliment and Encourage
Compliments are really good for a child’s self esteem.
Especially when it comes from someone they respect.
It can give them a confidence boost.
When your child has done a task or completed something you asked of them, and they have done so independently. Compliment them on a job well done.
Even if they have done it in a different way than what you have done.
Tell them that they can do it.
And to just knock on with it.
Let them know that you believe in them and that they are doing a good job.
If they feel like they cannot do it, tell them to try it.
Once they have tried it, most likely they will see that they can do it and do more.
However, when it comes to your child getting over perfectionism or helping to combat it. Complimenting and encouraging them can go a long way.
If a child knows and understands that an adult who is their trusted safe person believes in them. Then they will also begin to believe in themselves.
Disclaimer
There may be times, like my Autistic child, where your child refuses to continue just for the fear that they will do it wrong.
It is best, in these situations to sit by your child and encourage them to keep going.
Keep telling them that they are doing a good job.
Even if they do not necessarily think so themselves.
And repeat yourself like a well trained African Grey parrot. Tell them that it does not need to be perfect.
That there is no need to have it perfectly lined up or have them all be the same size.
It is not a big deal to not get it perfectly alligned.
Nor is it a problem to have to start again.
It does not mean that they are incapable.
Tell them this.
Explain to your child that everyone starts off somewhere. And that practise can help improve your skills.
No one is born knowing how to do something. It is all learnt through practise.
Although I would refrain from using the phrase, ‘Practise makes perfect’.
I do not like this phrase, nor do I agree with it.
Perfect and Excellent are subjective.
And can literally lead to perfectionism.